Hi Scott! First I want to celebrate your positive reframing of this child's hurtful behavior. You recognize that the behavior is a result of missing skills, which will take time to develop. How fortunate for all the families involved!
In Conscious Discipline, we say "What you focus on, you get more of." When it comes to peer-to-peer conflict, we coach "victim first." So when you see the girl's hurtful behavior, coach the little boy first.* For example, she pushes him out of the way. Notice: "Woah - she just pushed you out of the way. Did you like that?" Now the answer might be obvious, but that important question is helping us to assess his assertive energy. If he passively shakes his head, then you know he needs more coaching to speak assertively. He might make eye contact with you and say "No." Coach him to say, "Tell X "I don't like it when you push me. Leave me alone. or ask me to move." Focus on what you behavior you want the girl to do rather than just stopping the hurtful behavior. After he has the opportunity to stand up for himself, then coach the girl. Start with positive intent as you've been doing. It might sound something like this, "You wanted to play with him, so you pushed him. Pushing hurts. We use safe hands in this classroom. When you want to play, ask "How can I play?"
Or "You wanted him to move so you pushed him. ... When you want him to move say, "Move please."
Or "You wanted to get my attention so you pushed him. ... When you want my attention you can call out my name or raise your hand and I'll come to you."
She could respond with "No, I just wanted to push him." Then you have a teaching moment anyway to confirm the behavior expectation.
You can find more information about conflict resolution on the Conscious Discipline website.
Your gifts of patience and positive intent are making a difference. How you choose to see and interact with this hurting child teaches all the children (and parents) in the class how to treat others who are hurtful. Wishing you well!
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Mandy Lloyd
Conscious Discipline Certified Instructor
Annandale, VA
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Original Message:
Sent: 05-17-2021 06:58 PM
From: James Mitchell
Subject: "Bullying" behavior
I've got a kid this year that's got me at my wits end. She's a bright, strong, and often super sweet and caring. At the same time, I'm sure she has some social delays. She doesn't seem to read social cues well and ends up in physical conflicts frequently. We've been working all year at helping her develop those skills and showed some progress. We've also been trying to get the family to recognize the need for additional support, and they have thankfully gotten the ball rolling on that and she has just started seeing an OT. Which is of course fantastic.
The big problem for me at this point, is that a couple weeks ago, a new/old student joined the class. A kid who opted out for most of the year because of the pandemic and whose parents decided to send him back for the last couple months. And the girl I'm mentioned who is being seen by the OT has become obsessed with this new kid, and is being what can't be described as anything other than physically and verbally abusive to him. She takes his things and moves them. She says how much she doesn't like him, with him right next to her. She goes out of her way to run into him, push him etc.
I know she's doing it because there's something else going on....probably a need to feel in control. And I know there's really no such thing as a preschool bully. That said, the other kid is now constantly looking over his shoulder. He's a quiet, sweet kid. His parents know what's going on and tell him to avoid her. They're being very tolerant of the situation, though I'm sure they'd love to see her removed from the school. They know we're not that kind of school though.
So, given that I'm already working on developing her skills, the help I'm looking for is how to handle those situations when I see her target him. I'll see her make eye contact with him, run over to where he is and bump him aside. He'll look up dejectedly and walk away. I've tried the "Is something bothering you?" She says "nothing". I've tried "Why did you bump him?" She answers either "I don't know" or "I was just walking". I'll say "I see his body says he didn't like that" and she'll just stare at me. I know the OT will help and it takes time. It's killing me seeing this go on though!
Any advise or experience you can share is welcome. Or empathy....I'll take empathy too!
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Scott Mitchell
Teacher
Silver Spring Nursery School
Maryland
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