Wow, a tough situation, and one that is hard to make progress on when we look at it from a "non-developmental" perspective! I am replying before I have read the replies, so forgive me if I echo other folks posts. First, it is key to see these behaviors from a developmental perspective: a 4 year old's stealing is completely different from a 15 year old stealing or a 30 year old stealing (or a 3 year old stealing for that matter, depending on on cognitive level of the 3 or 4 year old, chronological age is not perfectly aligned with cognitive age...).
Often, when a 4 year old takes something, it is an impulse control issue. They are not trying to hurt some one, they do not consider the feelings of the owner, this is beyond their cognitive level unless they have adult scaffolding... Second, just because a 4 year old steals something, or goes through a period of stealing, it does not mean they will grow up to be a thief if the behavior is not caught and "corrected" by an adult. When a 4 year old takes something, it is a behavior in the moment. When they lie and deny it later, it is their best defense mechanism. And the lying is really just that- a defense mechanism, not a moral failing. Would you put a bowl of m&m's out on the table, and then expect 4 year olds to not eat them just because you told them, "do not eat my m&m's please" or even, "if you eat my m&m's, I will punish you." I hope you believe those scenarios would be silly efforts to stop m&m's "stealing". The best choice is to put the candies away! Your 4 year old needs some careful observation, and some "graceful outs" if she makes a mistake. If you " corner her" most likely, she will lie and deny. I suggest stop correcting her by calling it stealing, and increasing guilt, shame or fear- for many kids, this leads to more defensive behaviors. Be careful not to "label" her, and don't let the other kids in the class label her either. Kids talk, they share preschool events, but they often say, " Suzy is bad." Or "Danny is mean." They label, and that can lead to ostracizing peers who need the play experience the most! The hiding of the siblings toys, sounds like she gets angry or jealous or envious some times. These feelings are normal, and very hard for 4 year olds to deal with in socially acceptable ways, especially if they are anxious or fearful. Of course, changes in behavior like this can indicate other problems or events- but not always. It's good your feelers are up. Remember, "we can teach a child to use a tissue for a runny nose, even if we do not know if the runny nose is allergies or a virus!" I suggest careful documentation, but I would try and check your emotions on it, and let the situation cool off a little first. During this "reset" time, make sure the child gets a lot of positive attention at school, and help her feel safe! We know we would never put a 4 year old in prison or call the police on them, but in her head, maybe she does not really know this- how scary! She's part of the team, and you are all in it together. Try not to have her in really tempting situations, praise her when she puts toys back, talk about the classroom as everyone's, and take some time to admire how much easier it is to find toys when we want them next time, since we put them away this time! I highly suggest reading Baby Hearts" by
Linda Acredolo and Susan Goodwyn, a really great resource about guiding social and emotional development! Hope this is helpful, and hang in there with the love- children learn best when they have real, warm connections to their caregivers!
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Margro Purple
Rockville MD
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Original Message:
Sent: 03-14-2019 09:35 AM
From: Heidi Van Amburg
Subject: Have PREK STUDENT who is taking things without permission- need suggestions
Hi everyone,
You have all been so helpful with my last discussion posts with topics I needed assistance on, that I'm really hopeful that you can all help me out once again.
I have an escalating situation with a young girl (PreK student- age 4) who has had both a behavioral change and has started stealing/attempting to steal classroom and my personal materials. I did not at first refer to it as stealing with her, but more talked about how the materials are for all the students, and it is not fair to them when she takes them away and they can't use them. The stealing began around the beginning of January. I brought one of my personal, special books to students to use to help them learn how to tie their shoes. The book has a special double colored shoelace (one half blue, one half red) that is referred to in the shoe tying directions/lyrics. One day, when I was out of the room, my co-teacher noticed this student had removed the shoelace. She was told she needed to go get it and put it back. My co-teacher, unfortunately, did not go back later and check that the student followed through. Our girl left for a week long vacation that night. I actually, with the help of some students, looked through everything in our classroom in an attempt to find it. It was not anywhere. I figured at that point that maybe she had brought it home. When she returned I talked to both her and dad, informing of the whole situation. Dad tried talking to her, but she would not answer anything. He said he would have to go look through everything at home and talk to her mom. Mom knew right away. Apparently my student had told mom that the shoelace was part of a special art project that she got to take home. In hindsight, the mom said she should have realized- but at the same time, you want to think you can trust what your child tells you (I do not blame mom at all!), It was returned, along with an apology note from my student. This was only the start of the stealing, though. It ended up that at some point she took several of our Block Center people home with her. She, at a later time- when confronted by me on yet more classroom materials I found in her belongings, tried saying "It was my fault, and that I had forced her to take the block people home. She said I had made her take them."
Our teacher who closes our room found one of our dry erase lapboards in her bag, one of my personal books I was letting students look at, and a bracelet that had been made by another student that she tried to insist was her. This continues...so we start checking her bag every night. At this point she tries to be a bit more sneaky- I bought two squishy bears for two of my boys to hold and squeeze during group time who have an immensely hard time staying in group and not being wild with their bodies. One was missing at the end of the day. Students helped me look for it. I then thought, Oh I better check if she took it. It wasn't in her bag. I decided (I'm not sure why) that maybe I should check her coat pockets. There is was zipped inside. I felt other objects, but they all felt like the metal barrettes that snap closed in the middle. It still continues with more instances.
This last instance is what is really bothering me. I had a large feather I brought for texture painting. I couldn't find it anywhere. Again, she was gone for a couple days. I thought I better check her bag. It wasn't there. Even though the feather was too large for her pockets, I decided that while I was checking, I should look there too, in case anything else was in there. This time I pulled out what felt like all the metal barrettes. Well, there was one of our missing cabinet keys in with the barrettes. Here I had been very verbal with my co-teacher and the students saying how I needed to really be working on being sure to put are one last key and key ring back on it's hook and not carrying it around the room (bad habit). I took responsibility thinking that I must have carried the lost key ring and two keys with me somewhere in the classroom/school. She was very aware that I felt bad about it and was feeling very responsible. She never said a thing. It concerns me greatly that she does not appear to be having any remorse, guilt, or conscience about any of the incidents.
I have kept our owner/administrator up to date on what has been going on. After the incident with the key she has asked me to document everything starting from the beginning. We discussed having a meeting now with the parents.
This student has also had a big behavioral change starting back around mid-December/January. She has been being very disrespectful to me and my co-teacher (talking back- "I don't have to listen to you"), saying intentionally mean things directly to us- or making comments to friends about us, faces she makes directly to us or when our backs are turned, ignoring our directions, and not caring when we try to talk to her about her behavior). She has been saying hurtful, mean things to other students, and acting mean/hurtful to them- often telling others they can't be a part of the play. These are all newer behaviors from her that I definitely did not see at the beginning of the year- when I first started, or for the first several months.
I have tried many approached in dealing with these situations. I have talked to her privately about her behavior and why it is not okay. I've talked to her about us being able to trust her and importance of being honest. Her parents are very supportive of us and she has had consequences at home. I've even told her how if she took something that didn't belong to her from a story, that would be called stealing and she could get in a lot of trouble for it. I mentioned how if you take something from a store that is not yours, the Police often have to be called. I even at one point, after finding more items in her stuff at the end of the day, said that I could just not trust her not to take anything, and that she was going to have to stay at our one table and I would bring items to her to play with. That way I knew specifically what she had and that I got it all back (I really didn't like doing this, but was at a loss of what else to do).
My Professor/Friend believes that at this point, there has to be something deeper going on. He agrees we need to have a meeting. He also thinks that she would benefit from some type of psychological counseling (social worker or mental health worker). Unfortunately, we do not have that kind of access at our school (I am double checking on that with our owner/administrator, though). She does not have any new siblings at home. She has a two year old sister (who the parents let me know when this first started, that she often takes her younger sisters favorite items and hides them with her stuff). Her parents make it a priority to spend time with the girls every night.
I am just at a loss. I am sorry that this was such a terribly long post. Do any of you have any suggestions on how we can handle/deal with this issue? I think the idea of trying to get the parents (I know this is a tricky subject to suggest, and am going to let our owner/administrator deal with mentioning that- with my support) to get her some counseling is very important. I do not know what else I can do about the situation directly in our classroom, though. What should I be doing with her specifically when these instances occur? How do we move forward from her? What classroom management techniques/guidance should I be doing? We do regularly talk about Character Traits- this month we are focusing on Honesty (quite the timing).
Can anyone help me out?
Thank you very much! Again, I am sorry it was such a long post. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond!!
Heidi
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Heidi Van Amburg
PreK Teacher
Primrose School of St. Louis Park West
Crystal MN
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