I love your response- simple & powerful!
At this point in a toddler's development thinking is concrete, not conceptual & though they are actively seeking and creating self concepts based on the culture around them & how they fit into it, they are certainly NOT critical thinkers- so keeping gender simple & actively trying to eliminate self & other limiting gender stereotypes is essential for healthy self identity for ALL the children in the class.
what is the most critical piece of this " class/school decision is the responsibility to make ALL the children feel safe, included & respected in the school & class culture!
To go against this family's wishes & family culture will marginalize them & their child- causing stress, & undermining both the family's wellbeing & the child growing self identity.
If your school cannot accommodate this family's request, you are obligated to explain this to them so they are aware of the culture their child is being raised in. Assuring the family you are following their wishes while harboring doubts about whether the family's choice has the best interest of the child at heart is undermining the family. Your preschool needs to do some deep work confronting their own implicit biases in order to provide this family with the care & respect they deserve.
Stepping down from my soapbox, I would love to share a story that illustrates just where the mind of a 3 -5 is when thinking about gender:
once upon a time some of the foundational researchers studying gender identity taught that we should teach children male or female, man or woman by genitals. This would cut through the stereotypes & myths and present the undeniable facts…
Not so simple-
First, current scientific understanding of both gender identity and sex firmly supports both "categories" as spectrums , not "either or" categories. There are multiple genes & hormones involved in creating sex, there has ALWAYS been people who have sex chromosomes other than just XX & XY.
Second, gender is a cultural & personal construct that has many different definitions depending on the internal & external environment of individuals.
The complexity of teaching children gender identity is nicely illustrated by an anecdote shared by Dr. W.Andrew Collins sometimes shared in his course on the development of personality at the UMN's Child Development Center:
Dr. Collins studied under Dr. Sandra Bem during the 1970's. She was a groundbreaking researcher in gender schema theory, and as she related during lectures, she & her husband, Dr. Daryl Bem chose the teach her children to identify gender by genitals, and followed their Childrens preferences for dress & har style regardless of sexual stereotypes. As their son was entering preschool, he wore his hair long, and pulled it back with barrettes. Another boy in the class continually called him a girl despite their son's objections, saying "you have Long hair, you wear barrettes; you are a girl."
Finally, fed & with this other child's pestering and nonsense, Bem's son decided to end the debate with the facts; he pulled down his pants & underwear, saying-"Look, I have a penis, boys have penises, girls have vaginas, I am a boy!"
The other boy just shook his head, " No, EVERYONE has one of those! Girls have long hair, girls wear barrettes, you have long hair & barrettes- you are a girl."
children have all kinds of different ideas about what makes people a man or a women, including other categories that make the class room more inclusive is NOT disruptive or confusing. After all, at this age many children still believe you can change your gender/sex by changing your clothes!
As this child ages, they may encounter people who do not extend the same levels of acceptance- the preschool's ultimate goal is supporting this child's healthy self esteem so that when & if that occurs, the child has the resiliency and self confidence to move through it unharmed.
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Margro] [Purple]
[Associate Educator weekend programs]
[Smithsonian Early Enrichment Center ]
[MD/DC
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Original Message:
Sent: 04-12-2024 08:35 AM
From: Aren Stone
Subject: Gender Identity education
Mama is "they", Papa is "him", they are raising their child, at this point, to use "they" pronouns. No child chooses their pronouns at birth--adults choose pronouns for them, including "she" and "him".. These parents have chosen a pronoun that is perhaps less understood by some because it is newer. This child has a strong role model for this already, in their mama. This child might choose differently when they're older, just as children who are taught "she" or "he" might choose "they" later..
"Gender words" are used daily in early childhood classrooms. Yes, it is appropriate to teach very young children about pronouns; we do it naturally in our speech multiple times an hour. You can even chage the pronouns of characters in books as you read them out loud for more inclusiveness. I've been in early childhood classrooms where children have asked me what my pronouns are--these kids had spent time talking about and learning about pronouns. I simply answered, "My pronouns are "she" and "her". Thank you for asking." It's complicated for adults, not so much for children, once they understand.
I encourage you to have available for the chidlren and read out loud books like The Pronoun Book by Chris Ayala-Kronos and Melita Tirado and What are Your Words: A Book About Pronouns by Katherine Locke and Anne Passchier. They're simple, developmentally appropriate, and clear. This will provide support for this child and family and will foster understanding in all of the children. It also might be interesting to see if this child comments on their own pronouns. Through these conversations you might find out more about how this child feels. They might be uncomfortable with their pronouns, they might be comfortable with their pronouns but uncomfortable with other people consistently questioning them, or they might express something else. In any case, they need to feel understood and supported by children and adults, whatever their pronouns are.
Best of luck navigating this new level of inclusiveness in your classroom--it sounds like you have a strong foundation of acceptance and inclusion already. I would extend that to include the choices of these parents. They aren't harming their child.
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Aren Stone
she/her/hers
Child Development Specialist
The Early Years Project
Cambridge, MA
Original Message:
Sent: 04-11-2024 05:31 PM
From: Amy Robinson
Subject: Gender Identity education
I see this thread is 2 years old--I hope some of you are up for revisiting the topic. We have a 3 year old girl in our program, Sydney. Sydney has a "mama" named Sam who gave birth to her. Sam identifies as they/them. Sydney's "papa" is Scott, who identifies as he/him. I am completely comfortable with family diversity, and diversity in general. Here is my delimma. Sydney's parents want us to refer to her as they/them. This is their preference, not their child's. I am wondering how it affects all of the children when one is singled out like this. Sydney is not in my classroom yet, but will be next year. I want to have some conversations with the parents about the appropriateness of this practice. Her current classroom teachers mostly go along with the request although I know they "slip up" a lot. In my pre-K classroom, I know there will be questions about this. "Is she a girl or a boy?" "She has girl parts--why do you call her they"?
I have really been thinking about gender words and whether they're appropriate or not in early childhood settings. It seems to me that there should be some choice involved, but is it the parents' place to make this choice for their child? How confusing is it for other children to go by he/she, her/him...and one child to only be called they? If I was going to do a thesis I would call it Elminating Gender Words in Early Childhood Programs--Can we do it? Would we want to? I also think about male/female equality--how far we've come, and how far we still need to go. Do gender words, or lack thereof, move us forward, or set us back? I am against gender bias and gender conformity, however the words for gender itself...I don't know. Especially in preschool. What do you think?
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Amy Robinson
Specialist
CSN ECE Lab School
NV
Original Message:
Sent: 04-14-2022 07:52 AM
From: Lauren Stauble
Subject: Gender Identity education
Christine,
Thank you for your questions and sharing your opinion. Yes, there are many children for whom the terms "boy" or "girl" affirm who they are! I was one of those children. The word, "girl" felt right to me as a child. As an adult the word, "woman" matches who I am. I am glad that I learned the word girl and that I had a social concept that reflected who I was and am. I felt safe in that as a child and now as an adult. When we are talking about gender identity development in the context of anti-bias education it includes these options - boy and girl. The problem is that when we limit our languaging and thinking to only these two choices we exclude a small percentage of humans for whom these words and concepts do not apply. We know that a sense of belonging is crucial for engaged learning and healthy brain development. In contrast, a sense of exclusion, or lack of recognition builds up over time and leads to mental health risks. Here are some informative statistics:
"Most concerning, is that transgender people are at a higher risk of suicide. The 2011 National Transgender Discrimination Survey found that in the United States, 41 percent of transgender and gender non conforming people had attempted suicide, compared to a national average of just 4.6 percent. More than 50 percent of transgender youth will have had at least one suicide attempt by their 20th birthday. This is a staggering statistic that has several contributing factors outside of gender dysphoric symptoms. Internalized transphobia is a significant factor that increases suicide risk. Being transgender in a transphobic society can negatively impact thoughts and beliefs and in turn cause feelings of low self-worth, anxiety, depression and self-hatred. Specifically, with each episode of transgender victimization, such as physical or verbal harassment or abuse, the likelihood of self-harming behavior increases by 2.5 times on average. Additionally, rejection by friends and family increases suicide risk; rejected transgender youth are 13 times more likely to attempt suicide than transgender youth who are supported by their parents, according to the Trans PULSE Project." (Wasell 2016)
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Lauren Stauble
Consultant/Faculty
Boston, MA
feelthinkconnect.com
Original Message:
Sent: 04-13-2022 07:27 PM
From: Christine Luna
Subject: Gender Identity education
Why can't little boys be little boys and little girls be little girls. When did it become a bad thing for there to be boys and girls? Boys are amazing and girls are awesome! Why can't that just be enough.
There is a great book called Wired to Move!: Facts and Strategies for Nurturing Boys in Early Childhood Settings by Ruth Hanford Morhard It is an amazing book about the brain of boys and the wonderful and sometimes challenging ways they are different from a girls brain. Both brains are amazing, but the difference is fascinating. Case in point, It explains why it is easier for girls to multi-task but it is harder for boys to, among so many other great hands on information about boys and why they are often prejudiced against in daycares. My point is that Boys and Girls are wonderfully different. Each is one half of a complex puzzle, and to understand humanity you must embrace each sex and celebrate their difference and not compete between the two.
There is an old saying, "Out of the mouth of babes" Children sometimes are smarter than we are. We are muddling up something that children don't have an issue with, and neither should we. Let us embrace boys being boys and girls being girls and leave them alone.
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Christine Luna
Newborn Specialist
Parenting Coach
Only Happy Noises
Painesville. OH
Original Message:
Sent: 04-11-2022 09:57 AM
From: Katie Lombardi
Subject: Gender Identity education
Good Morning,
I know this is going to open a huge can of worms, but I am just curious about how everyone feels about teaching gender identity in preschool/prek. I personally have a lot of concerns with the fact that it will be to much for their young brains to comprehend. I am not inferring we ban inclusion on this topic. I am fine with pictures of each everyone's families being on the wall, and all parents/caregivers coming to classroom functions, or answering question with developmentally appropriate answers. I am not saying "ban the word gay" I just think its heavy and not necessarily the right for the preschool environment. Just to clarify too, I don't think any type of sex education belong is preschool or the very early grades of elementary school. If a child has a question we can answer it, and then we should inform the parent so they can address at the level that they want too.
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Katie
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