I used to call the children in my classroom friends: "Ok, friends, let's go outside!" "We don't hit our friends!" There are lots of things we say that are early childhood tradition and lingo, but words matter. We sometimes need to reevaluate what we're saying, and the subtle messages our words are sending. Here are a couple of reasons I've changed how I address children:
The first is that the children are not always friends, and that's ok. How many times have we said, "Do you see your friend's face? They look sad!" and the child that hurt their feelings responds, "But they're not my friend!" Children are trying out relationships, figuring out various levels of attachment, and connection to each other. This broad use of the friend term turns it into something a definition that it is not. If a child claims someone else is not their friend, we can say, "That's ok. We're not always friends with everyone, but we still need to treat others kindly." Acknowledging when a child says, "they're not my friend," and helping them understand that there are still ways that we treat others is an important thing to understand: we're not only kind to those that are our friends. We don't only interact or play with friends. Not being friends doesn't mean it's ok to exclude and to bully.
The second and, frankly, most important in my mind, is that adults should not be friends with children. Teachers should not be friends with students. There is a power dynamic here that does not allow true friendship, and this is a safety and consent issue. Those that groom children for abuse often do so under the guise of being "friends." Now, for those of you that say "friends" in your classrooms, I'm not saying you are predators, don't worry! We care so deeply for the children we work with, we think of them affectionately, we spend all day with them! We have an attachment to and a relationship with children. But there is a big difference between being friendly and being friends, between fondness and friendship. What are children looking for from a teacher? Acceptance, attachment, safety, etc. We can assure children of those things without the "friend" label. "I really like you," "I'm so glad you're here," "Do you need a hug?" are all great ways to provide for children's needs without claiming to be friends. But an adult wanting to be friends with a child should be a red flag for adults, and children.
There are lots of other things we can say. Address what they're doing ("Alright, Scientists, it's almost snack time!"), or come up with a name for the classroom with the children ("Green Sharks, it's time to clean up!"), be creative.
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Lydia Bowers
Early Childhood Sexual Health Consultant
www.lydiambowers.comNAEYC Affiliate Advisory Council
Cincinnati, Ohio
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Original Message:
Sent: 05-18-2019 09:05 AM
From: Margro Purple
Subject: Using the Term 'Friends'
Jennifer,
Yes, yes, and yes! I love what you say about respecting a child's nature! Preschool is the perfect place for children to begin learning social skills. Of course many children come from families filled with social interaction, from parents, to older and younger siblings to cousins, neighbors and teenage babysitters, or even childcare centers. For other children, it is their first experience away from Mom and Dad. Add in diverse temperaments, and the possibility of developmental challenges, and we can see our preschool class is a rich and diverse land of social skills and growing personalities! An early childhood educator needs a tremendous "bag of tricks" to be an effective guide for social development and school readiness!
Thinking back to the original question: is it appropriate use the word "friend" when you are addressing the preschool class, we have dived into some of the most important fundamental issues involved in early childhood education!
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Margro Purple
Rockville MD
Original Message:
Sent: 05-18-2019 01:00 AM
From: Jennifer Hatcher
Subject: Using the Term 'Friends'
Hi Margro,
Yes, teaching preschoolers to welcome students is a definite must. Cruelness and intolerance should not be rewarded and I always play simple group games with all the children, but I will definitely not force a young child who does not want to play the game or feels more comfortable playing by themselves or me alone.
Bullying is a problem with every age group and will definitely not be allowed. Many of the childhood bullies become bullying adults too.
Children have different comfort levels and may be very shy and not want to be forced out of their shell too quickly, I have found that this in turn can also lead to anxiety and social issues at this age and later on in life too. Slow, but steady always wins the race.
Sometimes, I feel as educators, we believe that all children should be extroverts and play and talk with everyone, but we ignore the fact that developmentally they may not be at that level just yet. Many children are introverts and enjoy spending time on their own or with one or two of their classmates. I am totally fine with this. Sometimes personality traits may be the core reason for why children have trouble retaining friendships.
I feel the best way to combat this is to try to make the environment as welcoming as possible, speak with the children about friendships, and gently guide them to open-ended, fun activities that help develop compassion, empathy, and working as a team with their peers.
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Jennifer United States
Original Message:
Sent: 05-17-2019 11:10 PM
From: Margro Purple
Subject: Using the Term 'Friends'
Hi Jennifer,
i agree with pretty much of what you say. Some folks click, some do not. Having favorite playmates is just a part of childhood, and the ups & downs of close friendships are the building blocks of future social skills. Forcing children to call each other's fri3nds when they do not sure friendship can have very embarrassing and hurtful results! One word of caution though: social exclusion is often bullying. It's not okay for children to use access to the group as a way to manipulate & hurt others. Of course a preschooler acts without clear understanding of what they are doing or how it impacts others, but social exclusion is particularly cruel and damaging. We actually experience social exclusion in the same area of the brain we feel physical pain!
Allowing everyone entrance to games in preschool is really hard, but extremely rewarding. I encourage all preschool teachers to grapple with the "you can't say you can't play" rule at school. And read Vivian Paley's fantastic book of the same title!
As preschool teachers, we are early role models of prosocial behavior and kindness- since teachers & parents often feel baffled by balancing free choice and friendship chemistry with being excluded from games, we often say nothing, and children grow into adults who lack some important social skills for welcoming others into groups and conversations. We try to fix it later by teaching shy & anxious children how to enter groups, but we all know how daunting that can be, even for the boldest adult. Preschool is the time to model welcoming behaviors and inclusion. Dyadic play is extremely important too, but best friends find their time at school, and parents can also be alerted that a play date for two would be greatly appreciated!
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Margro Purple
Rockville MD
Original Message:
Sent: 05-17-2019 07:58 PM
From: Jennifer Hatcher
Subject: Using the Term 'Friends'
I have no problem with the word friends in the early childhood environment. I feel it just denotes that children should be civil to one another and not hurt one another's feelings. Yes, someone may not be their friend, but another child may want to be their friend. As with everything and everyone, we all have quirks and differences and can choose who we want to associate with on a friendly level and this incorporates children's friendships as well.
Preschool should be an introduction and learning experience into interpersonal relationships and should be used as a stepping stone to support strong friendships, acquaintances, and even those children a child may not want to play with. While I do not condone a child giving another child the cold shoulder, I do not feel we need to feel they all need to friends.
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Jennifer United States
Original Message:
Sent: 04-08-2019 09:58 AM
From: Sue Schlembach
Subject: Using the Term 'Friends'
Good morning to everyone!
What are your thoughts on using the term 'friends' in the early childhood classroom to mean that everyone is your friend (for example saying to children, "We are all friends." or, "Let's make more room at the table for all our friends.")?
As a teacher educator, I'm curious about this topic because I'm an instructor for a classroom guidance course that discusses the use of the term 'friends' in one of the learning modules. The module content focuses on understanding why using the term 'friends' to refer broadly to anyone and everyone in the classroom is actually inappropriate. I would appreciate hearing your perspectives on this--what are your practices around using the word 'friends', and what have you found the literature to say about this?
Thank you for your time,
Sue
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Sue Schlembach
Research Associate, Arlitt Center for Education, Research, and Sustainability
Instructor, ECE Online Program
University of Cincinnati
Hamilton OH
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