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Using the Term 'Friends'

  • 1.  Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-08-2019 09:58 AM

    Good morning to everyone!

    What are your thoughts on using the term 'friends' in the early childhood classroom to mean that everyone is your friend (for example saying to children, "We are all friends." or, "Let's make more room at the table for all our friends.")?

    As a teacher educator, I'm curious about this topic because I'm an instructor for a classroom guidance course that discusses the use of the term 'friends' in one of the learning modules. The module content focuses on understanding why using the term 'friends' to refer broadly to anyone and everyone in the classroom is actually inappropriate. I would appreciate hearing your perspectives on this--what are your practices around using the word 'friends', and what have you found the literature to say about this?

    Thank you for your time,

    Sue



    ------------------------------
    Sue Schlembach
    Research Associate, Arlitt Center for Education, Research, and Sustainability
    Instructor, ECE Online Program
    University of Cincinnati
    Hamilton OH
    ------------------------------


  • 2.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-09-2019 03:53 AM
    Hi! 
    For many years I've always felt the term was/is inappropriate. There is no way in the world we should expect children to be " friends" with everyone in the classroom, it's just not reality. Planting the seed that we're all friends is false and can cause children to doubt their natural feelings about individuals. What if there are somethings about a person that don't mesh well with me? I don't want to be their friend, what does that mean about me? 

    Instead we should foster healthy friendships and try to include all children in group situations, i.e circle time. Some kids are drawn to each other for reasons that allows them to play and develop healthy relationships and we should recognize that foster it. I've never seen a child without at least one friend.

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    Shawntay King
    Romeoville IL
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  • 3.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-09-2019 09:13 AM
    I am intrigued to hear other perspectives on this as well. We do use the term "friends" on occasion when addressing the class as a whole. I find this to be more welcoming than referring to a class of young children as "students" or "kids." I believe the difference comes in when phrases such as, "We are all friends" are used. I think it is important to recognize that, in real life, we are not going to be "friends" with everyone, however, the importance of being kind to everyone should be the focus.

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    Sara Larsen

    Concordia MO
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  • 4.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-09-2019 10:06 AM
    You pose a wonderful question. I have used the term "friends" in class to promote acceptance and unity. I hadn't thought about the expectancy that comes with the term. I can imagine it now;   " Johnny, go read with your friend Sam".  Maybe, Sam kicked Johnny during music and Johnny does not think of him as a "friend". I would say using the term "friends", is not appropriate and is not a reality for the entire class. 

    Any thoughts on teachers referring to their students as "friends"? For example, "Let's go to lunch friends".

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    Dr. Jodi Palmer
    Professor Reading/ Literacy and ECE
    Edgewater FL
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  • 5.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-09-2019 12:08 PM
    Hello and thank you for the responses.
    I believe using the term 'friends' when referring to the whole class, or when speaking broadly about individual children, may offer insight as to the way adults/teachers view children. When saying "welcome friends" in a whole group setting for example, this implies that all the children are your friends--that they have a special connection and fondness for you and with everyone in the class. However, adults and children know at some level that this is not reality. It becomes this confusing concept for children, because most of them know who they are personally drawn to interact with, who they enjoy playing with. There is a distinct difference in the meanings of the terms friends, peers, acquaintance etc. Being respectful and kind to others does not equate to friendship--they are certainly aspects of friendship, but educators/caregivers are responsible for cultivating and guiding children's sense of empathy, and understanding that being respectful and kind are how we should treat everyone, whether considered a friend or not. 

    Ideas to ponder:  What if educators/caregivers were given opportunities to intentionally think about their view of children--to reflect on what their image of the child is at a deep level? Perhaps we may be able to tease out reasons why we refer to children in a particular way. If the adult's image of the child stems from a sense of trust, respect, competence, and one that values and honors individuality, then it opens up space to reflect on the appropriateness of using terms such as 'friends' even in gesture as a warm greeting.

    Kind regards,
    Sue

    ------------------------------
    Sue Schlembach
    Research Associate, Assistant Professor ECEHD
    University of Cincinnati
    Hamilton OH
    ------------------------------



  • 6.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-09-2019 12:27 PM
    That's interesting.  Can you give more details on the criticism of the term, "friends?"  The teachers and leaders in the program I directed for several years thought it helped build community and an atmosphere of mutual respect in our program.

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    Cynthia Fowler
    Syracuse NY
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  • 7.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-10-2019 06:12 AM
    I find this discussion interesting.   We have the issue when children in our class start referring to another student as their "best friend".  The implication to the rest of the students is that they can only have one friend in the class.   We end up saying something like… "We are all friends in this class". I have had misgivings about saying this because I realize that not everyone is going to be friends with everyone.  But we also want them to understand they can have more than one friend, and that really we can't have too many friends.  I have also referred to my class as a whole as "friends"...I find this comes out more often when I am a little unhappy with them. For example when the decibel level gets excessive I will say "friends you're being a bit too loud"… So they know I am addressing the whole group. 

    Sue Ferguson
    St. Paul Preschool
    Woodbridge, VA


  • 8.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-11-2019 08:09 PM
    As a graduate student In the Laboratory  for the Study of Child and Family Relationships with Ken Rubin at UMD, friendship in early childhood is on of my greatest interests! Not only do friendships and even best friendships exist in early childhood, friendships are one of the greatest sources of learning that drives social, emotional and cognitive development. Difficulty with peer interactions can be an important predictor of developmental issues, and friendships, especially close or best friendships are an important protective factor for children with developmental challenges of all kinds. It breaks my heart when preschools and schools seek to avoid conflict and peer interaction by trying to "whitewash" or ban best friendships. Yes, sometimes children are mean, sometimes they hurt each other's feelings and use aggression or exclusion to manipulate and lash out- preschool is where we help them navigate the difficulties of friendship and learn how real friends treat each other and repair relationships after inevitable conflict. Telling children "we don't have best friends at school" is like telling children there are no trees! Of course children have favorite friends- these friendships are the learning grounds of later romantic attachment. Yes, best friends fight more, but they also learn to make up- no one wants to lose a best friend! Of course, preschoolers need adults to scaffold and model good peer interaction. Exclusion is not okay, and teachers need to be involved directly when exclusion or bullying occurs. I am perfectly comfortable having "you can't say you can't play"a rule at school. Exclusion is a behavior, liking some one is a feeling. Name calling and teasing are also not okay, neither is threatening to end a friendship to control another person's actions, or offering best friend status as a bribe. But all these important lessons about friendship and how to make and keep good friends can not occur in the absence of friends. So go ahead teachers, roll up your sleeves and dive into the wonderful, messy, painful and most important world of friends- I promise teaching these skills will be as rewarding to your students future as teaching them to count by 5's or write their names at age 4. It might even be one of the best ways to prepare them for kindergarten and beyond.

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    Margro Purple
    Rockville MD
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  • 9.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-09-2019 02:28 PM
    Good Morning,

    In my school-age care experience we refer to the children by name. If we are gathered as a group and use a word to describe all of the people present we use the term "everyone" "everybody" "all of us" some generic term like that. If a teacher uses the term "friends" it is a message to the children that these are the people they have chosen as companions by connections they have formed based on meaning and criteria that is important to the child. The teachers are not saying we are all friends, even though we are part of a learning community where all are treated with respect and care. In our case the term friends means the people the children look to as a companion or collaborator. The depth of the friendships will vary depending on how the realtionship has developed. Everyone in the learning community has the potential to be a friend, but the child must decide who is in their relationship circle and who is called a friend.

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    Gregory Baker
    Possibilities ECE
    Portland, Oregon
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  • 10.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-09-2019 03:26 PM
    Gregory,
    Thank you for sharing details of your experiences at Possibilities ECE regarding use of the term 'friends'. Our practices here at the Arlitt Center preschool are similar to what you describe in your post. I am interested in learning what philosophy(ies) guides pedagogical practices at your program, and also, what image of the child does the program hold (i.e., how do teachers, staff, admin. view/perceive young children)?  
    Kind regards,
    Sue

    ------------------------------
    Sue Schlembach
    Research Associate, Arlitt Center for Education, Research, and Sustainability
    Instructor, ECE Online Program
    University of Cincinnati
    Cincinnati, OH
    ------------------------------



  • 11.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-09-2019 04:57 PM
    Thanks, Sue, for bringing up a great discussion topic. What I object to the most is when adults tell children that they are, or that they have to be, friends. I find it very disrespectful. As adults we don't feel like everyone is our friend; children don't need to feel that either.We don't get to define for them who their friends are.   And as I'm sure every teacher on here knows, friendship is complicated for 2-3-and 4 year olds. That is very different than the expectation that everyone treat each other respectfully.  That is where the work is--helping children to be regulated enough that they can achieve this expectation and that it be internalized and genuine.

     However, I do use the word 'friendly', synonymous with kind and respectful, as in, "That was really friendly.".  But reading through the responses might have convinced me to work to take that out of my usual vocabulary and to simply say, "That was really kind."  I'm not sure yet, but you've got me thinking.

    ------------------------------
    Aren Stone
    Child Development Specialist
    The Early Years Project
    Cambridge, MA
    she/her
    ------------------------------



  • 12.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-10-2019 08:25 AM

    When educating adults about healthy sexuality for children, I have always explained that children should be taught the actual words for body parts. For example: an elbow is an elbow, a knee is a knee, and a penis is a penis, etc.  Why would I address a group of people as 'friends' if I don't have a 'friendship' with them?

    Definition of the word friends - a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.

    It feels to me that we are giving children mixed messages when we generalize the term 'friends'. I have also felt this way about the term "guys', which pops up occasionally as well.

    I have been in the ECE field for over 29 years working in the same program as a teacher, an administrator, and an educator for college students. I have personally never used the term 'friends' when referring to a group of children, or a group of adults either. The term 'friends' was not something that I had ever heard from my mentors, role models, and fellow teaching and administrative staff.  Our program fosters a strong philosophy of respect for all individuals, and we have been able to successfully promote kindness through role modeling. Having said that, somehow the term 'friends' has crept into our program and we can't seem to shake it.  Therefore, I have found the following variety of thoughts from the posts on this topic very interesting.



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    Mary Cain
    Executive Director
    Stony Brook Child Care Services
    Stony Brook NY
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  • 13.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-11-2019 08:56 AM
    Good morning child care community.
    I my in-home program, my friends do not have to be friends with everyone. They are all my friends though. So I try to make sure I let them know to be kind to "my friend", for example.

    ------------------------------
    Joanne Sweedyk
    Early Childhood Educator
    Joanne's Tot Stop
    Grand Rapids MI
    ------------------------------



  • 14.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-10-2019 11:37 AM
    When I am in classrooms and talking to a group of children I will often address them as friends such as "Hello my friends" or "Let's go outside now my friends".  I use the term friends this way because it avoids gender specification. When we say "Hello boys and girls" we are asking children to define themselves by a specific set of criteria that may or may not fit (not to mention that it's always boys and girls and rarely girls and boys). Along that same line I have always liked the Readers and Writers Project practice of referring to students as being that which we are striving for them to become-" Writers think about the story you are going draw today' or "Scientist tell me what you see the snails doing." 
    I agree that we should not tell children that they have to be friends. Instead I think that it can be valuable to frame the class group as  a community  in which we all have responsibilities- to the community as a whole and to each other (such s treating others and the environment  with respect, showing care and empathy when some one is sad or hurt). In a community you can know people without having to be their friend, but that does not reduce your responsibility to be respectful to them.

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    Janis Arnerich
    New Teacher Center
    Danville CA
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  • 15.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-09-2019 09:07 PM
    Hi all, we limit the use of the term friend in class. Our classroom name is the "Junglers" so that is how we refer to the whole class. We use the term "friendly" quite often in the use of, being friendly/kind to all. Even if a child doesn't want to play with another you still use manners and be friendly and decline politely with a no thank you.

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    Preschool Teacher
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  • 16.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-10-2019 07:45 AM
    Sue, That is a very interesting thing you brought up. In the daycares & schools I've worked at, we also use the term "friends" a lot. I have been a pre-school teacher for 25 years and now work with the families in our program. We use it when one child is rude or aggressive with another child and say "We don't hurt our friends" or "We need to be kind to our friends". I always looked at it as teaching a child to be kind to a friend or just kind to everyone in general. But you brought up the point and now I am thinking. You said you learned this elsewhere that it is inappropriate. I would like to hear more about that and why.
    Sincerely,
    Theresa Wood
    Family Worker
    Newark Head Start
    Newark, NY





  • 17.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-11-2019 08:02 AM
    Theresa:
    I understand that the intention behind your statement is positive, however the statements can be easily dismissed by children.  You say, "We don't hurt our friends".  My 4 year old response is, "Well she isn't my friend, so I can hurt her."  That's just one problem with defining for others who their friends are.  I would rather hear teachers say something like, "It hurt him when you hit.  Please keep your hands on your own body now." or "Please use words that are more kind" with an example, or "It sounds like you're angry.  Can you tell her why?". I prefer more direct language that lets children know exactly what to do or stop doing.  I find it more effective and more respectful than a vague statement that leaves some children needing to figure out what to do next.  Friendship isn't easy for young children and they often need very direct help to express themselves appropriately.  

    Theresa wrote:
    Sue, That is a very interesting thing you brought up. In the daycares & schools I've worked at, we also use the term "friends" a lot. I have been a pre-school teacher for 25 years and now work with the families in our program. We use it when one child is rude or aggressive with another child and say "We don't hurt our friends" or "We need to be kind to our friends". I always looked at it as teaching a child to be kind to a friend or just kind to everyone in general. But you brought up the point and now I am thinking. You said you learned this elsewhere that it is inappropriate. I would like to hear more about that and why.
    Sincerely,
    Theresa Wood


    ------------------------------
    Aren Stone
    Child Development Specialist
    The Early Years Project
    Cambridge, MA
    she/her
    ------------------------------



  • 18.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-10-2019 09:29 AM
    Morning- it's an interesting topic. What's the next best word to build community?  Using children's names is my preference- but, once we all Start problem solving together- 'friends' is used.  We talk about how we a community who can agree and disagree with each other- but, we need to do it respectfully.  Hear others ideas, share our own ideas, make plans....this builds friendships.
    We do visit an assisted living and as we don't know everyone's names we move between 'my friend' To 'our neighbor'.  Interested in others thoughts.

    ------------------------------
    [Kate] [Williams-Hewitt]
    [Teaching Director]
    [The Children's Nursery School]
    [Portland] [Maine]
    ------------------------------



  • 19.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-10-2019 03:56 PM
    A good substitute for the word "friends" is "classmates". I think that way there is a feeling of community without necessarily being "friends".

    ------------------------------
    Kathryn Simone
    FCC QIS

    NJ
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  • 20.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-11-2019 07:35 AM
    We also do not use the word friend for many of the reasons mentioned already.
    Most of our classes have a name and when addressing the group, I often use the class name.  I find this also helps build community.  We may or may not be friends with everyone but we are all part of the "curious cats" class.



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    Susan Anderson
    Glenbrook Nursery School, Inc
    Bethesda MD
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  • 21.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 05-23-2019 06:56 PM
    I am surprised at how many educators are not in favor of teaching their young students to be friends.  The suggestion to use the word classmates is a good one.  Classmate is actually listed as a synonym for the word friend, so are playmate, schoolmate, and workmate. 
    I personally have no qualms about using the term "friends" when talking with the children.  That's because I do feel a bond with them, and I would love for them to feel that same bond with me, hence a mutual bond as referred to in the definition of the word friend. 
    Since I have always worked in a faith-based environment, I have always taught the children that we all need to be friends.  I use the term in the Christian connotation, "friends in Christ".  I firmly believe that part of our job here at my school is helping the children to develop social skills.  I also firmly believe that we do no harm by teaching the children to "love one another".  I realize that this cannot apply to every school, but it's what we do.
    As for the "best friends", most of the children have more than one of those!  My granddaughter, who is five, calls everyone she likes her "best friend", and that includes me sometimes!
    In the poem "Children Learn What They Live" by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. the last line reads "If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live."  Isn't that what we want to teach them?

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    Catherine Awong
    Director
    Mililani Presbyterian Preschool
    Mililani, HI, USA
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  • 22.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 05-23-2019 08:55 PM
    Hi Catherine, 
    I think you might be misunderstanding what's been said. Of course we should be encouraging a classroom community of kindness, empathy, and friendship. Most children in a class likely will be friends.  However, as adults we know that we will not be friends with all of our classmates, colleagues, and acquaintances, and the same is true of children.

    The point many of us are trying to make is that while we do cultivate and support friendship, children also need to know it's ok if they don't feel that connection with someone. Many times, as educators, the phrase, "but they're your friend..." ends up being more of an invalidation of a child's big feelings instead of helping them. ​

     We're not against friendship. 😊 We are encouraging educators to consider that "friends" is a term that has been given a new definition in early childhood (the group of children and their teacher that are in
    the same room everyday), and to rethink how we use the word. Not to ban it, but to use it in its proper context. 


    ------------------------------
    Lydia Bowers
    Early Childhood Sexual Health Consultant
    www.lydiambowers.com
    NAEYC Affiliate Advisory Council
    Cincinnati, Ohio
    ------------------------------



  • 23.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-12-2019 10:19 AM
    As a late 40- ahem- something adult, now working with 20 somethings, I find it strange when one of them calls me "friend", when I don't really know them. I believe the term friend has been created into a different meaning for younger people now that it has become so commonly used in schools. I certainly used it when I taught 20 years ago, as it was the norm. My 8 year old uses it as a general term now when describing classmates. I think they grow into knowing that friend is a general term for class mates as well as having a second meaning for people who truly are "friends". I agree with the new thoughts that perhaps we should change the terminology used in classrooms now. An interesting thought provoking topic for sure! 


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    Susan Frizsell
    Curriculum Coordinator
    Nashville, TN
    ------------------------------



  • 24.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-12-2019 11:07 AM
    Hello everyone, This is my second reply on the term “friends” in preschool classes. In my first, I focused on the idea of early childhood friendships, best friends in school and my strong stance against using such phrases as “we don’t have best friends at school.” Again, I really implore preschool teachers not to try and end conflicts about friendship by erasing it from school. I think of that a little like trying to stop the spread of germs by telling kids “we don’t sneeze or cough at school.” It’s going to happen- teach them how to handle it in a safe, monitored environment.
    My thought about calling students “friends” rather than classmates- right now, I am a freshly trained preschool music teacher and loving it! Music class allows me to connect with students on a more “equal” basis. I encourage back and forth conversations between myself and the class ( while trying to respect class practices like raising our hands, and using our inside voices). I give the children a chance to share things happening in their minds and lives, and to contribute to creating songs and activities together. I adhere to the idea of “raising people” not maintaining classroom control through authoritarian practices- a personal choice, but I do believe all early childhood educators should think about their philosophy of teaching, their beliefs in how development and learning occur, and attempt to use daily practices to support these underlying principals. So back to calling the class “friends” instead of “children” or “class.” I had to meet this one head on, as I chose my “hello” song. At first, I sang “hello children, hello children, hello children, it’s time to say hello.” to the tune of GoodNight Ladies from The Music Man. Then we sing hello in other dialects, or other things, like dinosaurs, or butterflies... . I switched the song after using,”children” for just one or classes. For me, calling them children felt condescending. We now sing “hello friends” and it creates an atmosphere of equality and closeness that makes learning into a fun and cooperative group adventure!




  • 25.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-20-2019 01:03 PM
    I was a student teacher last year during my final year in college and my host teacher would refer to the children in her classroom as
    "friends". I liked how she would use the term in her classroom because she would be referring to all the children in the classroom. One of the things that I noticed from being a student, teacher is that when my host teacher would notice that one of the children were crying or upset, she would go to the child and stop the class to comfort the child and address the class and say something like " friends I don't like to see my friend cry, what can we do to make him/her feel better. I think using the term friends in the field of early childhood is a good thing. I am not a student teacher anymore. I am looking for a job working in a center with 3-5 year olds, I would like to refer to the children as friends

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    Cheryl Morris
    Saint Louis MO
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  • 26.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-21-2019 10:22 AM
    Hi Cheryl,
    I also worked at a school that called all the children friends.  However, at this school it was the tradition stemming from their history as a Quaker or Friends institution.  It felt a bit awkward at first but I soon was able to use it and learned to like it very much.  There are some that feel using the term in a universal way like that feels a bit forced and I have heard it compared to forcing a child to say they are "sorry" when they have done something that was not considered "nice" to another child.  That said, I still like the sense on inclusion that the term supports.  It sets the tone for caring for each other and being aware of our responsibility toward others---especially in a classroom and can facilitate a sense of compassion for others.

    ------------------------------
    [Cary [Larson-McKay, PhD]
    NAEYC Affiliate Advisory Council
    [Past President, California AEYC]
    [Consultant, Wonder Strength]
    [Morro Bay] [CA]Member of NAEYC Affiliate Advisory Council/Past President California AEYC/Chair of Chapter Relations and Development Committee
    ------------------------------



  • 27.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-22-2019 01:06 AM
    Awww Words and the history we have with them! This is definitely an example of how semantics can make us feel uncomfortable based on OUR history with the word.  When I first moved to America 30 years ago from the UK I was flabbergasted when people said "I love you" casually. I was shocked  and felt majorly uncomfortable. I didn't know how to respond, but over the years I've come to realize that it's an endearing term that Americans use....lightly.  I would set aside what the word "friends" means to you. What's more important is what that word means to the children. Since children can be mean and exclude  maybe this is an attempt to view classmates in a friendLY and inclusive way. 
     The thing to remember is the word means what you make it.

    ------------------------------
    Jacqui Gordon
    Child play facilitator
    Newport Beach, Ca
    ------------------------------



  • 28.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-21-2019 10:35 AM
    When I hear teachers say, "We don't hurt our friends," I wonder if we are telling children it is ok to hurt people who are not our friends. The reality is everyone is not friends with everyone else. We need to encourage respect for all, not just those who we consider friends. To me, the term 'friend' means a relationship between two or more people, entered into willingly. Having someone tell me I am 'friends' with someone I don't consider a friend or want to be friends with, is not respecting or honoring me and the person they are calling my friend. I prefer to use 'people' or our class name when calling everyone together and so on.

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    Catherine Roach
    Milwaukee WI
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  • 29.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-21-2019 10:44 AM
    Catherine -- I really understand the distinction between friends and those in a class as friends.  It is a dilemma and I can sympathize either way.

    ------------------------------
    [Cary [Larson-McKay, PhD]
    NAEYC Affiliate Advisory Council
    [Past President, California AEYC]
    [Consultant, Wonder Strength]
    [Morro Bay] [CA]Member of NAEYC Affiliate Advisory Council/Past President California AEYC/Chair of Chapter Relations and Development Committee
    ------------------------------



  • 30.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-23-2019 04:49 AM
    Although I am able to overlook it, using the term "friends"  does bother me too. I agree with Catherine Roaches comment... I also don't like using the pronoun "we" when talking to an individual child... If one is speaking to 1 child, the pronoun "you" is the correct one to use. Be honest: "You many not hit/throw toys etc" or the rule is "No hitting, throwing toys..." Teaching children respect for others is very important and that is best done by modeling respect -towards them! The term "friends" assumes that the child is indeed "friends" with every other child in the class -which they may not be. As adults, are we "friends" with everyone in the work place?

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    Karin King
    Education Consultant
    Trumbull CT
    ------------------------------



  • 31.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-25-2019 09:40 PM
    This is a welcome discussion; I am also noticing the widening popularity of "friends" in childcare centers. I understand why it would be nice to have a warmer term than "classmates," however, I remain concerned that this use obscures the essential meaning of friends: they are people we choose to be in close relationship to.

    I'll share an anecdote that stuck with me over the years. The dad of a former student mentioned that nearly every day his child returned home with complaints about a certain classmate, whom he referred to as his "worst friend."

    To the dad, this phrase was amusing but inexplicable: what is a worst friend? Why call this child a friend if you don't like them? Wasn't this classmate more like an enemy? This dad was not aware that the teachers referred to all classmates as friends. While we chuckled at his child's clever use of language, it confirmed for me that at the very least, there are linguistic problems with this use of "friend." The larger issue may be that we adults seem to be uncomfortable dealing with big emotions, including the fact that some children may not like each other and may even feel they are enemies.

    Our improper use of language did not change the student's feeling about his classmate, but it did make him unable to communicate clearly with his parents.

    ------------------------------
    Karen Lefkovitz
    Independent Consultant
    Philadelphia PA
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  • 32.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-25-2019 11:41 PM
    Karen and All, I am following this discussion with interest as my personal experience certainly caused me to think a bit more deeply about the use of "friend".  I think that the common social definition has guided us beyond the potential use of the term.  I checked the dictionary definitions that seem to make sense to me as we define the use of the term with a group of children.  After looking at the variety of definitions I think the term has a great deal of flexibility for use.  That said, however, I also think that it is necessary to define it and refine it through the use in the classroom.  So that said, here are some of the terms cited as defining the word friend that might be a useful guide to how we use and define its use with children.  Possibly there is a more comfortable and useful term among the synonyms that we could use.  I do think it is important to set the tone of a group by establishing that we are indeed "together" and "working toward" some common goals.  What are you all thinking?

    synonyms:
    companion, boon companion, familiar, playmate, playfellow, classmate, schoolmate, workmate, ally, comrade, associate

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    [Cary [Larson-McKay, PhD]
    NAEYC Affiliate Advisory Council
    [Past President, California AEYC]
    [Consultant, Wonder Strength]
    [Morro Bay] [CA]Member of NAEYC Affiliate Advisory Council/Past President California AEYC/Chair of Chapter Relations and Development Committee
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  • 33.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-26-2019 01:11 AM
    I use the term "Friends" In my classroom, but I use it as a way to gather us together and a way to represent everyone when I am talking about us as a group. I also try and stress that being friendly, polite and using manners is important. I do try and avoid making them think they all have to be friends. I have a smaller classroom. So I think I am juggling a different environment that say a larger classroom. But this is certainly and interesting thought and I will be sure to give it more thought as I interact and see if it has a negative effect on my classroom.

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    Temesha (Ms. Tessie) Ragan
    Family Child Care IF Facilitator
    Perfect Start Learning
    Family Child Care Provider
    Edwards, CA
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  • 34.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 04-26-2019 07:50 AM
    Hello again Sue,
    i am very intrigue reading all the responses to your email on using the term "Friends" instead of children or students or people.  My first response dealt primarily with how to treat peer friendships in preschool, and the troubling pattern of trying to erase "best friends" from preschool classrooms because it can create chaos and hurt feelings- I feel very strongly on this one; children need adult guidance to learn positive social skills, conflict and chaos (a bit, not too much) are "important" building blocks of development. As preschool teachers, we know that using friendship or the withdrawal of friendship to manipulate other people's behavior. Preschool children don't know this. It can be a very frightening experience to have a valued friend threaten to end the friendship because you don't want to play with the blocks, or you don't want to let them have your turn wearing the pink princess dress.  If we try to avoid social conflicts like these in our classrooms, we leave children to struggle through tricky, sometimes overwhelming social situations without the help of a trusted adult role model! 

    But your initial question does not center on how to teach friendship skills in preschool, it is focusing on whether is is appropriate for teachers to use the term "friends" to address the class generally as a group. This time reading your original message, I see it you tell us you having teacher training material that labels this use of the term friends as inappropriate. Can you please post a link or reference to this training material? It might be easier to understand the author's perspective if we can see their content.  

    For me, I am comfortable with calling the class "friends". I modified my "hello song" by replacing the term "children" with "friends" because I liked the tone it created- less "top down" and more equal and respectful.  However, I would not use "friend" to explain a rule, like " we don't hit our friends." Or refer to classmates as "friends" when they would not describe each other as friends. Using the term,"friends" in this way seems overly sweet, and, well, fake. Children are very good lie detectors, and even in preschool, they can discern superficial behavior by adults- I don't think they would be "damaged" or confused by this, but I do think honesty, warm respectful relationships lead to the most effective teaching.  As an aside, in my opinion, saying something like "we don't hit our friends" is less effective teaching. "Stop!" If the hitting is happening at the moment, or  later, after the child has calmed down, "You seemed really angry- did you feel angry? But when you hit Martha, it hurt her and she cried- did you see how bad she felt? Maybe there was a better choice, like telling her you were really mad and stomping your feet, or even walking away, or getting a teacher's help.  Hitting is against the rules here, our rules are really important. They help keep us all safe."

    As a graduate student, my advisor's lab was affectionally known as "The Friendship Lab." Peer social interactions, friendship quality and the importance of peer friendships as sources for resiliency were cornerstones of our study. However, I don't recall any empirical studies on teachers using the term "friends" instead of students.  I will reach out to the lab and search the friendship handbooks for any research in this area!

    thanks for highlighting this topic!

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    Margro Purple
    Rockville MD
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  • 35.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 05-17-2019 07:59 PM
    I have no problem with the word friends in the early childhood environment. I feel it just denotes that children should be civil to one another and not hurt one another's feelings. Yes, someone may not be their friend, but another child may want to be their friend. As with everything and everyone, we all have quirks and differences and can choose who we want to associate with on a friendly level and this incorporates children's friendships as well. 

    Preschool should be an introduction and learning experience into interpersonal relationships and should be used as a stepping stone to support strong friendships, acquaintances, and even those children a child may not want to play with. While I do not condone a child giving another child the cold shoulder, I do not feel we need to feel they all need to friends.

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    Jennifer United States
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  • 36.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 05-17-2019 11:10 PM
    Hi Jennifer, 
    i agree with pretty much of what you say. Some folks click, some do not. Having favorite playmates is just a part of childhood, and the ups & downs of close friendships are the building blocks of future social skills. Forcing children to call each other's fri3nds when they do not sure friendship can have very embarrassing and hurtful results! One word of caution though: social exclusion is often bullying.  It's not okay for children to use access to the group as a way to manipulate & hurt others. Of course a preschooler acts without clear understanding of what they are doing or how it impacts others, but social exclusion is particularly cruel and damaging.  We actually experience social exclusion in the same area of the brain we feel physical pain!
    Allowing everyone entrance to games in preschool is really hard, but extremely rewarding. I encourage all preschool teachers to grapple with the "you can't say you can't play" rule at school.  And read Vivian Paley's fantastic book of the same title!
    As preschool teachers, we are early role models of prosocial behavior and kindness- since teachers & parents often feel baffled by balancing free choice and friendship chemistry with being excluded from games, we often say nothing, and children grow into adults who lack some important social skills for welcoming others into groups and conversations. We try to fix it later by teaching shy & anxious children how to enter groups, but we all know how daunting that can be, even for the boldest adult. Preschool is the time to model welcoming behaviors and inclusion. Dyadic play is extremely important too, but best friends find their time at school, and parents can also be alerted that a play date for two would be greatly appreciated!

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    Margro Purple
    Rockville MD
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  • 37.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 05-18-2019 01:01 AM
    Hi Margro, 

    Yes, teaching preschoolers to welcome students is a definite must. Cruelness and intolerance should not be rewarded and I always play simple group games with all the children, but I will definitely not force a young child who does not want to play the game or feels more comfortable playing by themselves or me alone. 

    Bullying is a problem with every age group and will definitely not be allowed. Many of the childhood bullies become bullying adults too. 

    Children have different comfort levels and may be very shy and not want to be forced out of their shell too quickly, I have found that this in turn can also lead to anxiety and social issues at this age and later on in life too. Slow, but steady always wins the race. 

    Sometimes, I feel as educators, we believe that all children should be extroverts and play and talk with everyone, but we ignore the fact that developmentally they may not be at that level just yet. Many children are introverts and enjoy spending time on their own or with one or two of their classmates. I am totally fine with this. Sometimes personality traits may be the core reason for why children have trouble retaining friendships.

    I feel the best way to combat this is to try to make the environment as welcoming as possible, speak with the children about friendships, and gently guide them to open-ended, fun activities that help develop compassion, empathy, and working as a team with their peers. 


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    Jennifer United States
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  • 38.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 05-18-2019 09:05 AM
    Jennifer,
    Yes, yes, and yes! I love what you say about respecting a child's nature!   Preschool is the perfect place for children to begin learning  social skills. Of course many children come from families filled with social interaction, from parents, to older and younger siblings to cousins, neighbors and teenage babysitters, or even childcare centers.  For other children, it is their first experience away from Mom and Dad.  Add in diverse temperaments, and the possibility of developmental challenges, and we can see our preschool class is a rich and diverse land of social skills and growing personalities!  An early childhood educator needs a tremendous "bag of tricks" to be an effective guide for social development and school readiness! 
    Thinking back to the original question: is it appropriate use the word "friend" when you are addressing the preschool class, we have dived into some of the most important fundamental issues involved in early childhood education!

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    Margro Purple
    Rockville MD
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  • 39.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 05-20-2019 10:56 AM
    I used to call the children in my classroom friends: "Ok, friends, let's go outside!" "We don't hit our friends!" There are lots of things we say that are early childhood tradition and lingo, but words matter. We sometimes need to reevaluate what we're saying, and the subtle messages our words are sending. Here are a couple of reasons I've changed how I address children:

    The first is that the children are not always friends, and that's ok. How many times have we said, "Do you see your friend's face? They look sad!" and the child that hurt their feelings responds, "But they're not my friend!" Children are trying out relationships, figuring out various levels of attachment, and connection to each other. This broad use of the friend term turns it into something a definition that it is not. If a child claims someone else is not their friend, we can say, "That's ok. We're not always friends with everyone, but we still need to treat others kindly." Acknowledging when a child says, "they're not my friend," and helping them understand that there are still ways that we treat others is an important thing to understand: we're not only kind to those that are our friends. We don't only interact or play with friends. Not being friends doesn't mean it's ok to exclude and to bully.

    The second and, frankly, most important in my mind, is that adults should not be friends with children. Teachers should not be friends with students. There is a power dynamic here that does not allow true friendship, and this is a safety and consent issue. Those that groom children for abuse often do so under the guise of being "friends." Now, for those of you that say "friends" in your classrooms, I'm not saying you are predators, don't worry! We care so deeply for the children we work with, we think of them affectionately, we spend all day with them! We have an attachment to and a relationship with children. But there is a big difference between being friendly and being friends, between fondness and friendship. What are children looking for from a teacher? Acceptance, attachment, safety, etc. We can assure children of those things without the "friend" label. "I really like you," "I'm so glad you're here," "Do you need a hug?" are all great ways to provide for children's needs without claiming to be friends. But an adult wanting to be friends with a child should be a red flag for adults, and children.

    There are lots of other things we can say. Address what they're doing ("Alright, Scientists, it's almost snack time!"), or come up with a name for the classroom with the children ("Green Sharks, it's time to clean up!"), be creative.

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    Lydia Bowers
    Early Childhood Sexual Health Consultant
    www.lydiambowers.com
    NAEYC Affiliate Advisory Council
    Cincinnati, Ohio
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  • 40.  RE: Using the Term 'Friends'

    Posted 05-21-2019 09:47 AM
    I have become increasingly uncomfortable with use of the term friends in preschool settings by teachers. I agree that it imposes a sense of intimacy that may not be welcome between children. If a child says a peer is not their friend, that's okay, and I respect that feeling, especially when the child feels wronged by that peer. Boundaries are okay. However, I would convey to the child that even when we don't consider someone a friend, it's still important to show respect to them and consider their perspective. It's possible for people to not be friends, but still operate as part of the same team. I prefer to think of the relationship between the children in the classroom as teammates or crew members, etc. rather than as friends.

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    Rebecca Clough
    Decatur GA
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