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Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

  • 1.  Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-08-2021 10:33 AM
    Can someone direct me toward research on young children and gender? I have the following situation:
    Two days ago, parents sent the following email 

    "We have been asking the kids each day what they would like their pronoun to be that day. -ian has been requesting she/her almost everyday for a couple weeks now. Today -ian even actually requested that we talk with you and her about letting you know the pronoun she would like to use.

     At dropoff tomorrow, can we have -ian let you know what their pronoun is?"

    I agreed, of course. This three year old child has been with us since July (when they turned 3) and has never expressed anything about gender at preschool. It is possible that is has either never come up (We are an outdoor forest school, and we don't do any gender-based discussion/activities.) or that because the child is incredibly quiet and shy can be more expressive at home than at school. It is also my understanding that developmentally, 3 year olds don't think of identity as fixed. They may believe they can be a boy today and turn into a girl tomorrow -- or for that matter, turn into a turtle. 

    At dropoff, I asked the child if there was something important they wanted to tell me. "It's cold." The child's mom prompted them, "Remember what we talked about at breakfast -- about your pronouns." So the child turned to me and said, "oh, yeah, I ate yogurt for breakfast." I encouraged the child to talk to me at any time, or to my co-teacher. Mom picked up the child with a hug and said, "Go be your true self."

    During our morning circle, the child's older sister (age 4) announced that "-ian now wants to be -ia." While the distinction between feminine/masculine endings in names is certainly not 3 year old knowledge, we asked and the child confirmed the new name. We have a community where we respect what people want to be called. Later in the day, another child came up to my co-teacher and (in front of the child in question) said, "--- says -ian is her sister now, but he's a boy!" My co-teacher said that out of kindness to everyone we should respect what they are saying.

    The day felt entirely wrong. Whether this is a developmental phase or (especially if) the child is transgender, we think the child should have agency. Right now, it seems like everything that is happening is being decided by adults and not the child. In their absolutely understandable desire to support their child, we feel that the parents may have "jumped the gun" and be creating trauma. This is a painfully shy child who already has difficulty connecting and making friends. We don't feel like they want to be a "public spectacle." What we want is the best way to support the child, the parents and an approach in the classroom that engages the other children as allies. 

    Are there articles we can point the parents to? Articles that would help us navigate in the classroom? How do we begin a discussion with the parents? (For reference, the parents are heterosexual and cisgender, as am I. My co-teacher identifies as queer and cisgender.) I am mostly interested in research, but if you have personal experience with a similar situation and want to let us know how you handled it, that could be helpful as well.



    ------------------------------
    Nicole Fravel
    Owner
    wildwood nature school
    Portland OR
    ------------------------------


  • 2.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-08-2021 11:35 AM
    Hi Nicole, 

    Here's a link to a NAEYC article that may help. The bottom of the article also has additional studies listed. I hope this helps. https://www.naeyc.org/resources/pubs/yc/nov2019/gender-expression-identity

    ------------------------------
    Marie Preptit
    Nashville TN
    ------------------------------



  • 3.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-08-2021 04:42 PM
    Thank you! I'm going to check it out right now.

    ------------------------------
    Nicole Fravel
    Owner
    wildwood nature school
    Portland OR
    ------------------------------



  • 4.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 01:21 AM
    Hello everyone. I am new to NAEYC and therefore new to this forum. I read through the question in this link and the answer that supplied a link from NAEYC that should help teachers/caregivers in how to maneuver through this topic.While I do support those with mature operational thinking who want to identify as whatever they feel, I am a little concerned at how we are just assigning these same rational well thought out feelings, to children as young as 2-3 years old who are unable to rationally and logically come to these conclusions themselves.

    From my experience with children this young, and all that I have read regarding early childhood development, I am not sure where this is coming from. Children don't begin thinking in concrete operational terms (generally) until 7-years-old. It doesn't seem that children this age are able to articulate their communications well enough to identify as a particular gender or sex. Why have we gone away from just allowing the children to play with whatever they want or dress in whatever clothing that they feel like at that moment and just supporting them in that moment, and have instead gone to a policy of trying to help convince these children they should identify as transgender? Why can't we just let them develop their logical thinking so they can figure things out for themselves?

    As I said initially, I am all for us rationally and logically mature adults being free to decide whatever we want depending on how we feel, as long as it's not infringing on the rights of those around us. I sincerely mean this. But what I fear is that we are assigning thoughts and actions to those much to young to decide these things for themselves, and I feel we are stunting their social and emotional growth in the process. If there are any studies that anyone could point me towards that show children are now capable of making these decisions on their own as young as 2-years-old, I really would love to read through that. I want to learn as much as I can about this, as my main concern is helping the children develop in the most healthy way possible. Thanks for reading through this long and winded post. I look forward to interacting and learning from you all.

    Vince

    ------------------------------
    Vince Halcomb
    Substitute
    Head Start
    ------------------------------



  • 5.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 10:20 AM
    Vince, you definitely identified the tension in my original post. The NAEYC article itself was not that helpful as the article explained the ethics of letting a child explore their identity. No one in the situation I described is refusing to let the child explore. The issue for me is exactly how you described it -- that the parents seem to have skipped the exploration stage and have jumped straight to assigning the child a new identity. As far as my co-teacher and I are concerned, assigning a child this young any gender is harmful -- whether you are "forcing" a match to the assigned at birth gender or jumping too soon to create a trans identity. While the article itself may not have covered my current issue, I am hopeful that the resources suggested at the end of the article can help me navigate the discussion with the parents.

    ------------------------------
    Nicole Fravel
    Owner
    wildwood nature school
    Portland OR
    ------------------------------



  • 6.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-11-2021 12:44 AM
    Nicole,

    I appreciate you addressing this topic and it is good to see others who have the same concerns as I for the preschool aged children. I have a hard time understanding why we are in the minority on this, as gender, sex, and/or sexuality requires abstract thinking, which young children are just not ready for. These are items that take time for us to develop and we still struggle with the development of them even into adolescence. I hope more people start to speak up on this as it really does stunt the development of our young children. We need to help them learn how to reason in general and then allow them to figure out all of these other complex things we all struggle with. If we do this, rest assured they will grow into the healthy adults we are all hoping for. They will feel more confident in their choices and we will be in a better place to support them on their choices, when they are allowed to make those choices on their own.

    ------------------------------
    Vince Halcomb
    Substitute
    Washington County Head Start
    Funkstown MD
    ------------------------------



  • 7.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 12:15 AM
    Hi Nicole,

    I found the book, "Supporting Gender Diversity in Early Childhood Classrooms" by the Gender Justice in Early Childhood team to be a great resource.


    ------------------------------
    Emma Passalacqua
    Petaluma CA
    ------------------------------



  • 8.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 06:30 AM
    I agree, Emma! That book is very informative and directly related to the early childhood community!  It is a "go to" resource when questions arise about gender, transgender, gender identity, etc.

    Maria

    ------------------------------
    Maria Shaheen
    Primrose School Franchising Company
    Marietta GA
    ------------------------------



  • 9.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 10:21 AM
    This is one of the resources listed at the end of the NAEYC article suggested above. I'm ordering the book.

    ------------------------------
    Nicole Fravel
    Owner
    wildwood nature school
    Portland OR
    ------------------------------



  • 10.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 09:00 AM
    What do you say when you go to a job interview for a childcare center and the person doing the interview ask what you would do if a little boy came to school wearing a dress?





  • 11.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 10:29 AM
    Elaine, as I replied to Vince. No one is refusing this child's need to explore. Boys come to school in dresses all the time, with their nails painted, with fancy clips in their hair. Until he was 6 my brother answered the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with "A princess!" The tension in the original post is not about denying a child's right to explore. It is about jumping to conclusions about that exploration. My brother grew up to be a straight, cisgender male (who, sadly, is not now a 50 year old princess). The child in question may be transgender. They may be cisgender. They may be anyone. We don't know. And I'm afraid that the parents are jumping to a conclusion too quickly that is not in the realm of "let them explore," but puts too much pressure on a 3 year old's exploration to conform to an adult experience of gender.

    ------------------------------
    Nicole Fravel
    Owner
    wildwood nature school
    Portland OR
    ------------------------------



  • 12.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 04:20 PM
    The concerns over how to discuss gender identity expression with these parents and this child, goes way beyond this one family. An ECE program needs to be prepared to have a conversation with all of their parents enrolled in their program once this becomes more of a topic of discussion among the rest of the staff and the other children in the program.  Parents will fear things that they don't understand and may make assumptions that their own children will be influenced or confused by the use of pronouns or clothing choices by other students that are deemed out of the norm for what they are used to seeing or hearing.

    ------------------------------
    Tim Kaminski
    Director/Owner
    Gingerbread Kids Academy
    Richmond TX
    ------------------------------



  • 13.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 05:31 PM
    Tim:
    Then it's a really great thing that this forum exists so people can get educated about this topoic and prepare themselves for these conversations, which have been happening in many centers for years.  I consider expanding the knowledge of parents, teachers, and children, even very young children, to be a wonderful thing and not something to fear.  And that's what we need to help others do--overcome fear.  This is a very alive topic in many EEC places.

    ------------------------------
    Aren Stone
    she/her/hers
    Child Development Specialist
    The Early Years Project
    Cambridge, MA
    ------------------------------



  • 14.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-10-2021 10:59 AM
    Absolutely. But I'm not sure that the parents of the child in question have considered this at all -- in terms of whether they or their child want to be the focus of conversation. As I stated in the original post, we are a forest school program, which means we are very small, 22 children total across our programs. Any discussion with other parents would have to be handled very sensitively so as not to "out" the child and cause unwarranted shame.
    I should also note that the child has shown up to school previously wearing a dress, and it was basically a non-issue. I didn't even remember it until my co-teacher reminded me and none of the other children even batted an eye. No one asked, commented, we all just knew the child came to school dressed comfortably and went on with life. I think because we have a slightly "alternative" model, our parent group tends to be pretty accepting.

    ------------------------------
    Nicole Fravel
    Owner
    wildwood nature school
    Portland OR
    ------------------------------



  • 15.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-10-2021 01:58 PM
    Hi Nicole,

    I agree that you wouldn't want to create a situation that would quote "out" a family or the child.  We operate 7 locations in a rural community that is becoming more diversified each year. We have 2 centers that offer full programming for infants to Pre-K, plus after-school care and then we operate 5 offsite after-school elementary programs for K-5th.  We also provide programming for special needs students in our two primary locations.  We currently have students enrolled in our programs that come from multiple countries and cultures around the world, and as much as we hope that our families will be open minded, we still find that new situations or questions come up that our staff and directors may have not been prepared enough for to respond accurately or appropriately to in the moment.  Over the last few years, we have added more diversity training into our annual training requirements to help better educate our staff, but gender identification in younger children has not been one of the areas that has come up in conversations with any of our parents yet, so there has not been much training provided on that topic.  However I do anticipate in the near future that we will have some of those questions start to come up as we hear about more stories from providers like yourself, that are starting to have those experiences with some of their families and children.  Thank you for bringing this question to the forum and starting the conversation.

    Sincerely,

    Tim Kaminski

    ------------------------------
    Tim Kaminski
    Director/Owner
    Gingerbread Kids Academy
    Richmond TX
    ------------------------------



  • 16.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-15-2021 02:10 PM
    Elaine, wouldn't you simply answer their question based on what you understand and practice? We have to develop our understanding of issues including this one.  What answer we can give to a question isn't what counts:  how we work with children does.

    ------------------------------
    Mars April Caulton

    Chicago IL
    ------------------------------



  • 17.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 09:02 AM

    Thank you for sharing your question with us. Below are a number of resources that address topics such as sharing teacher observations with families; understanding gender expression and exploring identity we think might be helpful. 

    Sharing teacher observations: 

    Here are some resources related to documenting teacher observations and sharing with families. 

         1.  Preparing to Meet with Aiden's Family: Strengths, Progress, and Goals

    https://www.naeyc.org/resources/pubs/tyc/summer2021/meet-aidens-family 

          2. Anecdotal Records: Practical Strategies for Taking Meaningful Notes

    https://www.naeyc.org/resources/pubs/yc/jul2019/anecdotal-records 

    Here are some resources related to gender expression and other aspects of identity in early childhood: 

       1. The book, Anti Bias Education and Ourselves, second edition contains a chapter on Gender identity. Here is an excerpt: 

    abe2e-chap-9-excerpt.pdf (naeyc.org) 

         2. Tate and the Pink Coat: Exploring Gender and Enacting Anti-Bias Principles

    https://www.naeyc.org/resources/pubs/yc/mar2019/exploring-gender-enacting-anti-bias 

         3. Focus On Ethics: Gender Expression and Identity 

    https://www.naeyc.org/resources/pubs/yc/nov2019/gender-expression-identity 

         4. Practical Guidance for Teachers: Supporting the Families of Gender Nonconforming Children

    https://www.naeyc.org/resources/pubs/yc/nov2019/supporting-families-gender-nonconforming-children 

        5. Gender Identity and Expression in the Early Childhood Classroom: Influences on Development Within Sociocultural Contexts (Voices) 

    Exploring Identity 

        1. Each and Every Child, chapter 22 

    https://www.naeyc.org/resources/pubs/books/each-and-every-child 

        2. Look, Listen, Learn. "What If I Say the Wrong Thing?" Talking about Identity with Young Children 

       3. How Do I See Myself? How Do Others See Me?: Exploring Identity Kindergarten 



    ------------------------------
    Mary Samour
    Online Community Manager
    National Association for the Education of Young Children
    ------------------------------



  • 18.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-09-2021 05:24 PM
    I have worked with a number of children who decided, or realized, at two, three, or four, that they were not the gender that they had been called.  No one put these thoughts in their heads--their parents were surprised.  As the children got a little older they still kept to their same felt sense of their gender.  Why is this more surprising than children who adults percieve as a boy or a girl affirming that they are a boy or a girl?  We need to listen to children.  If there is insistence, persistence, and consistency in their affirmation of what we would consider a gender different than the one they were assigned, we need to listen.  Gender is more varied and complex than we used to believe.  

    In the case that the original poster presents the question is whether the child is recognizing their gender and the parents are listening to them, or whether the parents are putting it on the child for some reason.  We don't know the answer, but perhaps the poster can meet with them and have a deeper conversation.  To the person who asked what you would say if asked in a job interview "What if a boy came to school in a dress?"--I would say, "You look nice today.", or "hello".  Simple as that.  Below is the link to a beautiful story of a child who realized at 3 that they were a "boy-girl".  The conversation with their mother is quite tender and enlightening.  I know that it's true, as I knew this child as a 3 year old. https://www.wbur.org/news/2021/04/01/nonbinary-gender-identity-children-massachusetts

    ------------------------------
    Aren Stone
    she/her/hers
    Child Development Specialist
    The Early Years Project
    Cambridge, MA
    ------------------------------



  • 19.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-13-2021 03:28 PM
    Sorry but how does a toddler even know the word gender let alone tell you he is a girl not a boy??  I have worked with children for 23 years and not one child at the age of 2 or 3 ever mentioned they wanted to change gender.  Even when I know it may be something they might want to do later in life, it has never been expressed to me in that manner. 





  • 20.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-14-2021 08:39 AM
    Agree Donna.  In 25 years this hasn't come up with my students.  

    This is a very interesting thread, though, and I appreciate its importance.  Excited to learn something new in this crazy job!!

    ------------------------------
    Dominic Tejeda
    Beacon City School District
    New Windsor NY
    ------------------------------



  • 21.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-14-2021 08:59 AM
    As a pediatrician and child and adolescent psychiatrist I greatly appreciate the sensitivity, sophistication and openness of the child care professionals who have shared their experiences and an array of up-to-date resources on the topic of gender discovery. Please note that I use the word “discovery” not “decision.” Children as young as two or three have discovered whether or not they have a penis or not. By this age they have discovered a great deal about gender roles, gendered dress and how men and women pee. With their wonderful magical thinking, they have some sort cognitive flexibility to change themselves into whatever they want yet at the end of the day, they continue to discover that they either have a penis or not. As magic loses its hold, an unsupported transgendered child may become dysphoric. If I were a three-year-old discovering that I had been born in a body that wasn’t right for me and was pretending in dress, body language or play to be who I felt I really was, I would feel supported in your care. I wouldn’t necessarily need to use my few inept words to talk about gender identity. It would be rare that a 2-3 year old would have those words. 23 years ago, even 15 years ago, very few adults were talking about transgender identity expression in preschoolers.
    It does sound like the parents in question are expecting more mature assertive behavior from their shy little one than would be expected. I suggest that you meet with the parents and ask them to tell their experiences with their child and, perhaps with their own families of origin. Only in understanding where they are coming from will you be able to help them in what they are asking of you. You can scaffold for them the sort of openness that will help them with reading the signals of their child.
    Thanks for all you do!
    Terri Hargrave, MD MPH
    Sent from my iPhone




  • 22.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-14-2021 11:54 AM

    Donna:

    My experience is that children start identifying themselves in a gendered way in toddlerhood, because of what they hear around them in conversation with adults, in books, etc.  If you think about this, listen to the words adults are using and what you read to children in books, you may find this to be true.
    Children who are not identifying as the gender that they are assumed to be often express it very simply--that they're a girl, or a boy--just like cis-gender children identify themselves as a girl or a boy.  No one is saying that they know the term "gender" or are using sophisticated language to explain how they feel.   For adults, definitions about gender have shifted and expanded greatly over the years and there is a greater understanding that gender is on a wider spectrum than previously thought.  

    I've always had children in my classrooms (40+ years) who dressed in clothes sterotypically thought of as belonging to the gender opposite of the one that child is assumed to be, though clothes are not the only way that adults and children identify gender.  A few of them took the feeling of comfort, play, and exploration further and said, either at 2 or 3 or later, that they were a girl, a boy, or as the child in the video clip that I posted, a boy-girl, or whatever other language they came to.

    The question about the particular family in the original post is whether that child came to this in a natural way themselves, as did the children I've had in my classroom and in my current practice as an Early Childhood Mental Health Consultant, or whether the parents decided it for them.  The first needs to be listened to, the second may need some discussion with the parents to find out what is behind their need. 


    Donna wrote:
    Sorry but how does a toddler even know the word gender let alone tell you he is a girl not a boy??  I have worked with children for 23 years and not one child at the age of 2 or 3 ever mentioned they wanted to change gender.  Even when I know it may be something they might want to do later in life, it has never been expressed to me in that manner. 



    ------------------------------
    Aren Stone
    she/her/hers
    Child Development Specialist
    The Early Years Project
    Cambridge, MA
    ------------------------------



  • 23.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-16-2021 11:30 AM
    I understand children dress up in play clothes but at two;  do they even know the difference?   Today we don't stress that a mail carrier has to be a gentleman or that a someone who irons has to be a girl.    Those days are gone here in my school as well as I hope all educational facilities.   
    Yes,  children know if they are a boy or a girl but they certainly don't know about the sexual tendencies of those references or pronouns.  It's ridiculous to even thick that. 
      People assume too much. �� at the expense of young innocent minds. 
    And as far as parents talking to their children about it, I don't foresee anyone discussing gender identity and the meanings behind it to a toddler or three year who has no mature mind for that.   They still struggle with yesterday, today and tomorrow, let alone what sex they want to be when they are adults, many moons away.     
    And all kids like to dress up.................. it means nothing.  
      Who at three wouldn't want to put a pretty bright tutu on.  I would hate for that to mean they want to be a girl when they grow up.  





  • 24.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-11-2021 12:02 PM
    Hello.
    I suppose I'm thinking about requesting that the family might update their information for his file so if needed, including a change-of-name preference that could follow with an emergency situation.
    I'm thinking this to recognize the family preferences in the manner of current information.

    ------------------------------
    Teresa Franz]
    Director, Child Development Center
    SCOESC
    New Boston, Ohio
    ------------------------------



  • 25.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-15-2021 09:31 AM
    Nicole, thank you for sharing this very difficult situation. I do agree with Vince on this on this.

    I wonder if focusing on gender at this young age reflects the parents trying to be "trendy" since there is a lot of gender talk on the media and elsewhere. I also wonder about the conversations in the home of the 3 year old. The parents appear to be having very sophisticated, abstract conversations with their little 3 year old, way beyond the abstraction level that he can comprehend.

    When I was a preschool director many years ago before there was a lot of talk of pronouns and transgender children, the children in the school would dress up in many different "costumes" in the dress-up area. They are experimenting and also playing out various roles from their own lives and from stories they have seen or which have been read to them.

    It seems like the parents are pushing this issue further than this young child can actually comprehend at this point. How is this little boy at home? Why do the parents think he has made a mature decision to change his gender at such a young age? There may be some signs that this is the direction he might go but at 3 years old, he is discovering who he is in every sense of that phrase.

    Again, in the school where I was director, we had a little boy who loved dressing up in girl's clothing, etc. His parents noticed what eventually became his gender change more than we did because they saw something when he was at home, but these parents understood the development of a 3 year old, what they can fully understand, and what at the developmental stage they are capable of make mature decisions about.

    Maybe it is time for some parent meetings with experts who can explain identity development among other areas of child development and how they are related.

    ------------------------------
    Nora Krieger, PhD
    Associate Professor Emerita/Past Chair NJEEPRE
    Bloomfield College/NJ Educators Exploring the Practices of Reggio Emilia
    Highland Park, NJ
    ------------------------------



  • 26.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-15-2021 02:20 PM
    Nora, 
    I don't know if this anecdote will help and support you in any way, but my hope is that it will. I do not have any articles or research to share as of yet, but a professional story about a 2 y/o identifying his gender. I will use the pronouns in the narrative as it relates to the story and they will change with the flow of the anecdote to accurately reflect this child's journey. 

    As a teacher in a toddler room of 2 y/o's, I had the privilege of working with a family who had a child that was born anatomically female. As she started to approach age 3 and after turning 3 she adamantly expressed that she was a boy when we would do the gender classification curriculum.

    Teaching boy/girl identity in this program was part of their curriculum. As a young teacher, I followed along the curriculum requirements and worked with the children to learn this distinction. I would work with the children to identify both their own genders and that of others, based on physical appearances.  At that time, the topic of transgender children was a whisper in the wind in the field of ECE.

    During this curriculum portion, the child could identify every other child's gender, but when asked if she was a boy or a girl, she would reply - "I'm a boy." When I tried to correct her, she would again reply, "No, I'm a boy!" She would dress in boys clothes, wear a ball cap to school every day, and refuse to wear typically female clothing or have her hair done in any style except down. As the children would potty train next to each other, conversations around anatomical differences were common. Boy have a penis, girls have a vagina. This child could identify this and would acknowledge that she had a vagina and she sat to potty train, but when asked if she was a boy or a girl, she would consistently identify as a boy regardless of anatomy. 

    I spoke with the parents to see if they had observed this as well. They confirmed that they had and that they had had struggles at home getting her to wear anything that would be typically feminine, nor she would let them style her hair (a pony tail was rare), and she always said she was a boy. They said that she's very much a tomboy. She does have an older brother and so it was thought by the parents that maybe she was identifying with him. We agreed to acknowledge her identity as a boy to see where it would go. So from that point forward, we took our cues from HIM. The idea of having a transgender student was, again, just a whisper of an idea and there was no support or information on this subject for teachers or parents.

    As he aged and progressed through the school, he continued to identify as male, dress in boys clothes, always wearing long hair and a ball cap. The other teachers spoke with me about his identity. The other teacher's did not push the issue of gender with him and let him identify as he wished. At age 5 he moved on to kindergarten and graduated from our preschool. At age 6 he came back to visit us. His hair was still long, though now cut to his shoulders and he was playing baseball. He still identified as being a boy and the family had accepted this about him and encouraged him to be his authentic self, continuing to take their cues from him as he grows. 

    This experience with this child taught me not to push my own binary views (at the time) onto another student. To let them acknowledge their true and authentic selves as it comes to them. It also taught me the inequity in binary gender based curriculum. I am grateful that the parents and I were on the same page about taking our cues from the child and letting him goes through the processes of self-identification without additional pressure to conform from either his parents or teachers. It allowed him to build a foundation of confidence in his own personal identity as he transitioned into elementary ed level development. 

    Again, I'm sharing this information in hope that it helps to support your quest for further information. In my experience, children most frequently form identity based on the interactions and responses from their environment and world around them. But sometimes, there are children that don't follow the linear path and teach us a little bit more about this. It's those shining stars that teach us the most about what we think is "right" or push us out of our comfort zone where we learn the most. So, while you're day may have felt wrong, have you considered asking yourself why that day felt wrong for you? What is it in your own narrative that pushes this growth edge for you? And what you want to learn from this and how? 

    I wish you all the best of luck in your search for information. Please know your experience is not a solitary one.

    ------------------------------
    Shalon Warner
    Founder/Writer/Trainer/Consultant
    ECE Professional
    Lincoln CA
    ------------------------------



  • 27.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-15-2021 02:48 PM
    Shalon:

    I agree with you. What I was writing about is that at 3 years of age, it is unusual for a child to bring up gender issues/identity. The interchange that was shared in the original post demonstrated to me that this child is not focused on gender but what he ate, the weather, etc. Maybe he just did not want to discuss it. A member of my extended family who at advanced ages realized that their gender was out of sync with who they were, and after having been married, was about to surgically have his gender changed from male to female. Unfortunately for him, the day before he was to have his surgery, he had a major heart attack and died.

    The little boy from when I was a director many years ago followed the identity that suited him. He was not transgender, but identified with being homosexual. I hope that I am expressing this correctly. What I found interesting is that his parents did not ask him or discuss with him at 3 years old what his identity was. They just let him live it and naturally grow into it. 

    Nicole, the originator of this thread needs help in how to approach the parents of this child. Clearly they have discussed with the parents or the parents came to them with this highly abstract adult focus on gender assignment. It is important for the teacher to figure out the truth and where all this movement to change gender pronouns and the child's name is coming from, hopefully from the child.

    ------------------------------
    Nora Krieger, PhD
    Associate Professor Emerita/Past Chair NJEEPRE
    Bloomfield College/NJ Educators Exploring the Practices of Reggio Emilia
    Highland Park, NJ
    ------------------------------



  • 28.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-15-2021 08:36 PM
    Thank you all for your thoughtful and respectful responses to my question. I think this thread shows how important it is for us to discuss topics surrounding gender in early childhood. This discussion has helped me to clarify my thoughts and feelings on the subject and to really think deeply about how we are approach gender with children and families. The book recommended by 3 different posters is, as advertised, amazing. 

    If you are interested in how we are proceeding, keep reading. We met with the parents yesterday, with two goals in mind -- 1. To share information about what was happening at home and at school for the parties that don't get to see that side of the child and 2. to come up with a consistent plan for how we want to work together to support the child going forward.

    We learned that the child first started asking to wear dresses, carry purses, etc. to which the parents really thought signified nothing other than personal preference for clothing. But things progressed to wear they could hear the younger child screaming at the sister things like "no, I'm a girl too!" It was at this point that they introduced the concept of pronouns with their children, including an option to use "they." As teachers, this information was really helpful to hear because we got none of this behavior at school. We also don't really do anything "gendered" at school, and as stated before, the child is very shy.

    We parents and teachers agreed that while we don't know what the future holds and do not want to put any pressure on the child's future or make them decisively determine anything permanent, we want to support where she is now -- including using her preferred pronoun and, because she did ask for a girl's name (The parents suggested the -- ia instead of --ian name as a really easy way to achieve this goal.), a different name. We also agreed that we would not introduce any additional 'adult" language changes, instead waiting for her to tell us. We don't feel that she knows the distinction between a brother and a sister, for example, so would not insist on calling her a sister unless she requests it. Both teachers and parents agree that this could be experimentation (or a desire to be like her sibling) or it could be something permanent. We want to focus on the now only, but be aware of the possible future. We found a "theybies" Facebook group and encouraged the parents to seek out resources on "gender creative parenting." (We also had some resources -- both adult and children's books -- to suggest to them.)

    In terms of the other children and the families -- The other children had no issues, really, until the older sister started to tell everyone what to do. We want to work with the older sibling on the idea of being an ally instead of taking over and talking for someone. We also all agree that the child was not interested in a big public reveal or a whole lot of focused attention on them. We also want to make sure we convey that everything children experience with regards to gender is normal, and making a big deal of things doesn't convey normalcy. We do have a persona doll and have started to use her to work through things like how it feels to be "different," how to (and not to) talk about other people, how to stick up for who you are, etc. The children presented us with an opportunity yesterday when they started to call each other silly names. I announced that I would like to be called "Rainbow" today. Some of the children had difficulty (but you're Nicole), so it was a good opportunity to discuss how we do support other people in expressing themselves.

    We are continuing to learn -- it's a new experience for both parents and teachers -- but I think everyone came away from the meeting feeling like we can support this child together wherever her journey takes her.

    ------------------------------
    Nicole Fravel
    Owner
    wildwood nature school
    Portland OR
    ------------------------------



  • 29.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-15-2021 09:25 PM
    Dear Nicole:

    Bravo to you! Brilliantly handled like a consummate professional.

    Best of luck.

    ------------------------------
    Nora Krieger, PhD
    Associate Professor Emerita/Past Chair NJEEPRE
    Bloomfield College/NJ Educators Exploring the Practices of Reggio Emilia
    Highland Park, NJ
    ------------------------------



  • 30.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-17-2021 08:25 AM

    Nicole:

    You handled this with sensitivity to the child and the parents, and in the spirit of curiosity, empathy, and sound child development.  This is a beautiful example of how to approach situations that might be uncomfortable and new.
    Thank you for bringing it to us.



    ------------------------------
    Aren Stone
    she/her/hers
    Child Development Specialist
    The Early Years Project
    Cambridge, MA
    ------------------------------



  • 31.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-15-2021 03:38 PM
    Shalom, that's a great story with a great conclusion.
    I am curious what other feel, and what you think now, about doing a focused set of lessons on gender.

    Would those same lesson plan authors create racial identification lessons as well? Neither of these classifications are things that are fundamentally about appearance. People may truly have a mind that corresponds to a gender that is different from their anatomy, because scientifically there are distinctions between male brains and female brains. But children do not see any of that that.

    Race and culture are even harder to identify in someone else. Why are we so focused on assigning attributes to people, especially to children who aren't privy to the nuances and spectrums of these things?  Yes, they spot racial attributes like skin colors before they can talk sometimes, but gender is a set of norms, not anatomy. They are being taught to identify someone else's gender? Based on highly superficial evidence like clothes, hair and activity preferences? 

    I love the book Shades Of Black. It destroys the stereotype of what being Black can look like. We need a similar children's book that defies the stereotypes of children in their gender as they feel and express it. No wonder wars and racism are everywhere. Systems focus on identifying who is Other in every way possible. We can do more to help young children articulate WHY they attach a racial or gender identity to another. This acknowledges that (1) we don't know a person by simply looking at them, and (2) the joy is in trusting others to reveal who they know they are...to us.

    ------------------------------
    Mars April Caulton

    Chicago IL
    ------------------------------



  • 32.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-16-2021 11:33 PM

    Nicole, I'm so impressed that within the 8 days since you first posted, you were able to acquire and read the Supporting Gender Diversity book, learn from it, and put what you learned into action, and then report back to all of us on the thread! It inspires me as a teacher and program co-director that you were able to seek out the help you needed and follow up on it, and exhilarates me as a co-author of that book to read about it being actually useful in a real-life scenario. Slowing down, making space and time for listening to happen, listening in a way where we're open to being changed by what we hear, collaborating in reciprocal relationships with parents, listening to children express themselves and communicate in their "hundred languages," respecting children as co-creators of knowledge, valuing children as knowledgeable community members, and with this age group especially, staying in the present... you beautifully integrated each of these key points in your response to this situation. 

    I'd like to add my voice to this thread as well as another key point.

    Like many others, I was a child who was never given any language from the adults I trusted that described or even hinted at who I was. Like so many others, I was taught--mostly through observation and social relations--that there are only two genders; that my gender was determined by my body parts and could never change; and that my gender dictates the range of emotions, behaviors and social roles available to me, including who I will be attracted to. These messages were not "taught" to me via a lesson plan. They were part of the social fabric in which I first became a person. Also part of that social fabric was a taboo of silence, shame, and humiliation surrounding anything to do with people who challenged or just didn't fit neatly into that equation. From this social fabric, I learned that I was a girl, that I had zero agency in the matter, and that if I ever felt any discomfort with any of the parts of what "being a girl" entails, I should definitely hide that as deeply as possible so that I wouldn't attract any of the shame and humiliation surrounding the taboo. I was told that girls can "be anything," while at the same time I also learned, without being told, that girls can certainly not be too masculine, especially in ways related to physical appearance, gesture, tone of voice, mannerisms, word choice, etc, and that the reason had vaguely to do with other taboo subjects, like body parts and sex (in the sense of sexuality). Of course I never mentioned any of this discomfort to anyone around me, even to those I loved and trusted with my life. I was also an extremely "cautious" child temperamentally, and like the child in your post, would have been horrified if any announcements about me were made at school (or really, in front of any other people). I liked playing boy or genderless characters in fantasy play, but I had no sense that this had any transferability to "real" life.

    Was I a "transgender child"? "Transgender" is a term with a lot of meanings. In the sense of many of those meanings -- which reference other abstract, adult concepts -- no, I wasn't. In many senses, I did not become "transgender" until I decided to claim that specific word as one that fit me well enough and would be a useful way to communicate about myself. Before that, I was-- what? I was walking around with a map that didn't fit the world I was looking at. In Piaget's framework, I was living in a constant state of disequilibrium connected to the very core of who I was, since the beginning of my memory, until my early twenties. I was finally able to toss out the map and make a new one once I had the opportunity to learn about the existence of trans and other gender expansive people in a positive, non-shaming light, and a community of people with whom I felt safe to explore my own gender. So much of what constitutes each of my identities has no meaning except in relation to other people. In order to find words for myself that felt right, I needed people to actually try using those words on me, and I needed to know that they would listen if I wanted to try other words for a while. I needed to do this with people from whom I would not feel an undertone of anxiety or tension at the same time as they were trying to support me. I was extremely fortunate to have this community in a collective house I lived in, in multiple partners, and with other queer friends, and thus I was able to become a person who was able to express my core sense of myself more of the time. 

    Children need adults who can work through our own anxieties when we are not in their presence in order to fully show up for them when we are. Adults who are brave enough to recognize the limits of our own experience and consciously seek out a variety of first-hand stories from people whose experiences differ from ours and from the cultural norm. Children need adults who can recognize that we all have biases, absorbed through the social fabric since our early years and over generations, that we're bringing into our interactions, families and programs; and they need adults who can create or participate in communities of learning to practice uncovering these biases and intervene in their impact and replication.

    To anyone considering how to "add" curriculum around gender or other social identities, I would recommend starting by setting out to notice the way these topics are already being taught in the program. They are always being taught, even if the message is "that is something we don't talk about." As we educate ourselves and give ourselves permission to trust children and their family members, the curriculum emerges, diffused, starting in our interactions and deepening relationships. 

    I also want to offer a few resources -- in addition to Supporting Gender Diversity in Early Childhood Classrooms, we have posted a bunch of free resources on the Gender Justice in Early Childhood website, including an infosheet with an "Ages and Stages" chart that may interest those on this thread asking for research citations about gender and young children, who might not be ready to dive into a book. (Highlights: research confirms that children have started categorizing people by gender by the time they are 12 months old, and have developed stereotypes informed by cultural messages about gender by the time they are four.) 

    You'll also find a digital comic book version of our second, more academic book, about how trans and gender expansive children are routinely wronged and how to right those wrongs ("Radically Listening to Transgender Children: The Comic"); a "Loaded Language" chart with inclusive, less harmful alternatives to commonly used phrases, a classroom audit tool that is also offered in the book, and handouts about what to seek (and avoid) in gender-expansive children's literature:

    https://www.genderjusticeinearlychildhood.com/resources

    Note to anyone reading this thread who is currently using our "Loaded Language" chart or "Early Childhood Gender Expansiveness" Infosheet: these resources have both been recently updated, including changing some language that felt icky to some of us and other trans people, so if you are working off an old version, please switch to the new versions! 

    <3
    Encian



    ------------------------------
    Encian Pastel
    Children's Community Center, Gender Justice in Early Childhood, Bay Area Childcare Collective
    Richmond CA
    ------------------------------



  • 33.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-17-2021 11:15 PM
    Encian thank you so much for being able to articulate what you experienced as a child.  We teachers need to hear these real life experiences in order to make changes of course, but also to understand just how much children absorb, even when we think that they are too young to verbalize something....we are communicating all of the time...so we can be more intentional about what it is we are communicating.

    ------------------------------
    Joanie Calem
    Music and Inclusion Specialist
    Sing Along
    Columbus, OH
    ------------------------------



  • 34.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-18-2021 07:14 AM
    This has been a very good thread for information. Nicole raised a great question and there have been a lot of great ideas. I am glad that it worked out well with what Nicole tried after reading the recommended book. Having said all of this, I still feel that we need to approach this very sensitive area with care and caution for all of the children. We need to listen to the child that is exploring their gender identity, and should give them space to do so. At the same time, we should also work with the parents as best as possible and ensure that we come to some sort of agreement on how to handle the situation. My personal take on getting to that point would be to get a counselor or therapist involved in helping to sort through those waters. Lastly, we need to make sure that we are doing all of this without taking any chances of confusing all of the other children. We need to respect how they feel regarding this and allow them to have their feelings without trying to guide them in a certain direction. Part of my research has found that a lot of places are using the "Genderbread Person" as part of the curriculum and are stressing gender as more of a spectrum or nominal variable. As an adult, this is still very confusing to me, so I can only imagine what it does to children early in their development. Whether you feel this is a human rights, civil rights, or social justice item that needs to be addressed, us adults are the ones that should iron it out and allow the children to just be children.

    ------------------------------
    Vince Halcomb
    Substitute
    Washington County Head Start
    Funkstown MD
    ------------------------------



  • 35.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 12-19-2021 12:49 AM
    A lot of replies have used phrases such as "let children be children." In my experience, this phrase is often a coded message saying that childhood is somehow separate from the real world, and untouched by the inequities and diversity of the world.

    That idea is problematic. We cannot see a child without acknowledging their environment and funds of knowledge. Humans of all ages are social beings, and the workings of our communities, states, countries are connected to childhood as much as to adults. If children are trying to define and identify gender, that is a normal part of child development. So is coming to understand that we each have a racial affiliation, one or more cultures, one or more languages, a family of some type, cultural or religious beliefs and even privilege.

    There is no reason to deny mindful explorations of any of these things. Identity and how these connect to daily life are very specific things that absolutely effect each individual's life. To deny any child's desire to learn about the diversity of identity, especially if they are identifying as a minority group, is a social injustice.

    ------------------------------
    Mars April Caulton

    Chicago IL
    ------------------------------



  • 36.  RE: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?

    Posted 02-16-2022 01:11 PM
    Hey Nicole!

    If you haven't already, I would highly recommend looking into persona dolls as a tool to talk about this with your kids without singling a child out. We have used persona dolls to talk to classes about new babies, therapy, divorce, gender identity, new homes... Its a great way to let the whole class talk about things that might be going on in your community without making it all about the family or child who is actually going through something.  This could be a great way to get this child to express themselves and what they want to you. Sounds like you are already doing an amazing job recognizing this child's autonomy and respecting them as an individual, so kudos to you! 

    https://www.amazeworks.org/education-programs/persona-dolls/

    We love our Persona dolls so much, and it has really helped us navigate some challenging topics without putting our real kiddos on the spot!

    ------------------------------
    Lily Crooks
    Teacher/Administrator
    Seward Child Care Center
    Minneapolis MN
    ------------------------------