Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! Perhaps we could start a new discussion labeled Pronouns in the Preschool, or something like that so these posts are not buried at the bottom of this thread. I am new to "Hello", so I am not sure how to go about this--however, I think this topic is a really important one!
Original Message:
Sent: 04-12-2024 08:32 AM
From: Aren Stone
Subject: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?
Mama is "they", Papa is "him", they are raising their child, at this point, to use "they" pronouns. No child chooses their pronouns at birth--adults choose pronouns for them, including "she" and "him".. These parents have chosen a pronoun that is perhaps less understood by some because it is newer. This child has a strong role model for this already, in their mama. This child might choose differently when they're older, just as children who are taught "she" or "he" might choose "they" later..
"Gender words" are used daily in early childhood classrooms. Yes, it is appropriate to teach very young children about pronouns; we do it naturally in our speech multiple times an hour. You can even chage the pronouns of characters in books as you read them out loud for more inclusiveness. I've been in early childhood classrooms where children have asked me what my pronouns are--these kids had spent time talking about and learning about pronouns. I simply answered, "My pronouns are "she" and "her". Thank you for asking." It's complicated for adults, not so much for children, once they understand.
I encourage you to have available for the chidlren and read out loud books like The Pronoun Book by Chris Ayala-Kronos and Melita Tirado and What are Your Words: A Book About Pronouns by Katherine Locke and Anne Passchier. They're simple, developmentally appropriate, and clear. This will provide support for this child and family and will foster understanding in all of the children. It also might be interesting to see if this child comments on their own pronouns. Through these conversations you might find out more about how this child feels. They might be uncomfortable with their pronouns, they might be comfortable with their pronouns but uncomfortable with other people consistently questioning them, or they might express something else. In any case, they need to feel understood and supported by children and adults, whatever their pronouns are.
Best of luck navigating this new level of inclusiveness in your classroom--it sounds like you have a strong foundation of acceptance and inclusion already. I would extend that to include the choices of these parents. They aren't harming their child.
Amy wrote:
I see this thread is over 2 years old--I hope some of you are up for revisiting the topic. We have a 3 year old girl in our program, we'll call her Sydney. Sydney has a "mama", we'll call them Sam, who gave birth to her. Sam identifies as they/them. Sydney's "papa" is Scott, who identifies as he/him. I am completely comfortable with family diversity, and diversity in general. Here is my delimma. Sydney's parents want us to refer to her as they/them. This is their preference, not their child's. I am wondering how it affects all of the children when one is singled out like this. Sydney is not in my classroom yet, but will be next year. I want to have some conversations with the parents about the appropriateness of this practice. Her current classroom teachers mostly go along with the request although I know they "slip up" a lot. In my pre-K classroom, I know there will be questions about this. "Is she a girl or a boy?" "She has girl parts--why do you call her they"?
I have really been thinking about gender words and whether they're appropriate or not in early childhood settings. It seems to me that there should be some choice involved, but is it the parents' place to make this choice for their child? How confusing is it for other children to go by he/she, her/him...and one child to only be called they? If I was going to do a thesis I would call it Elminating Gender Words in Early Childhood Programs--Can we do it? Would we want to? I also think about male/female equality--how far we've come, and how far we still need to go. Do gender words, or lack thereof, move us forward, or set us back? I am against gender bias and gender conformity, however the words for gender itself...I don't know. Especially in preschool. What do you think?
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Amy Robinson
Specialist
CSN ECE Lab School
NV
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Aren Stone
she/her/hers
Child Development Specialist
The Early Years Project
Cambridge, MA
Original Message:
Sent: 04-11-2024 07:52 PM
From: Amy Robinson
Subject: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?
I see this thread is over 2 years old--I hope some of you are up for revisiting the topic. We have a 3 year old girl in our program, we'll call her Sydney. Sydney has a "mama", we'll call them Sam, who gave birth to her. Sam identifies as they/them. Sydney's "papa" is Scott, who identifies as he/him. I am completely comfortable with family diversity, and diversity in general. Here is my delimma. Sydney's parents want us to refer to her as they/them. This is their preference, not their child's. I am wondering how it affects all of the children when one is singled out like this. Sydney is not in my classroom yet, but will be next year. I want to have some conversations with the parents about the appropriateness of this practice. Her current classroom teachers mostly go along with the request although I know they "slip up" a lot. In my pre-K classroom, I know there will be questions about this. "Is she a girl or a boy?" "She has girl parts--why do you call her they"?
I have really been thinking about gender words and whether they're appropriate or not in early childhood settings. It seems to me that there should be some choice involved, but is it the parents' place to make this choice for their child? How confusing is it for other children to go by he/she, her/him...and one child to only be called they? If I was going to do a thesis I would call it Elminating Gender Words in Early Childhood Programs--Can we do it? Would we want to? I also think about male/female equality--how far we've come, and how far we still need to go. Do gender words, or lack thereof, move us forward, or set us back? I am against gender bias and gender conformity, however the words for gender itself...I don't know. Especially in preschool. What do you think?
------------------------------
Amy Robinson
Specialist
CSN ECE Lab School
NV
Original Message:
Sent: 02-16-2022 01:10 PM
From: Lily Crooks
Subject: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?
Hey Nicole!
If you haven't already, I would highly recommend looking into persona dolls as a tool to talk about this with your kids without singling a child out. We have used persona dolls to talk to classes about new babies, therapy, divorce, gender identity, new homes... Its a great way to let the whole class talk about things that might be going on in your community without making it all about the family or child who is actually going through something. This could be a great way to get this child to express themselves and what they want to you. Sounds like you are already doing an amazing job recognizing this child's autonomy and respecting them as an individual, so kudos to you!
https://www.amazeworks.org/education-programs/persona-dolls/
We love our Persona dolls so much, and it has really helped us navigate some challenging topics without putting our real kiddos on the spot!
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Lily Crooks
Teacher/Administrator
Seward Child Care Center
Minneapolis MN
Original Message:
Sent: 12-08-2021 10:32 AM
From: Nicole Fravel
Subject: Transgender Expression in 3 Year Olds?
Can someone direct me toward research on young children and gender? I have the following situation:
Two days ago, parents sent the following email "We have been asking the kids each day what they would like their pronoun to be that day. -ian has been requesting she/her almost everyday for a couple weeks now. Today -ian even actually requested that we talk with you and her about letting you know the pronoun she would like to use.
At dropoff tomorrow, can we have -ian let you know what their pronoun is?"
I agreed, of course. This three year old child has been with us since July (when they turned 3) and has never expressed anything about gender at preschool. It is possible that is has either never come up (We are an outdoor forest school, and we don't do any gender-based discussion/activities.) or that because the child is incredibly quiet and shy can be more expressive at home than at school. It is also my understanding that developmentally, 3 year olds don't think of identity as fixed. They may believe they can be a boy today and turn into a girl tomorrow -- or for that matter, turn into a turtle.
At dropoff, I asked the child if there was something important they wanted to tell me. "It's cold." The child's mom prompted them, "Remember what we talked about at breakfast -- about your pronouns." So the child turned to me and said, "oh, yeah, I ate yogurt for breakfast." I encouraged the child to talk to me at any time, or to my co-teacher. Mom picked up the child with a hug and said, "Go be your true self."
During our morning circle, the child's older sister (age 4) announced that "-ian now wants to be -ia." While the distinction between feminine/masculine endings in names is certainly not 3 year old knowledge, we asked and the child confirmed the new name. We have a community where we respect what people want to be called. Later in the day, another child came up to my co-teacher and (in front of the child in question) said, "--- says -ian is her sister now, but he's a boy!" My co-teacher said that out of kindness to everyone we should respect what they are saying.
The day felt entirely wrong. Whether this is a developmental phase or (especially if) the child is transgender, we think the child should have agency. Right now, it seems like everything that is happening is being decided by adults and not the child. In their absolutely understandable desire to support their child, we feel that the parents may have "jumped the gun" and be creating trauma. This is a painfully shy child who already has difficulty connecting and making friends. We don't feel like they want to be a "public spectacle." What we want is the best way to support the child, the parents and an approach in the classroom that engages the other children as allies.
Are there articles we can point the parents to? Articles that would help us navigate in the classroom? How do we begin a discussion with the parents? (For reference, the parents are heterosexual and cisgender, as am I. My co-teacher identifies as queer and cisgender.) I am mostly interested in research, but if you have personal experience with a similar situation and want to let us know how you handled it, that could be helpful as well.
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Nicole Fravel
Owner
wildwood nature school
Portland OR
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